|
|
[Part 3]: Panic Attack
[Pacing back and forth, we reopen the pay per view in the office of Mr. Batee. Left, right, left, right .... Left, right, left, right .... Those are the motions of his white Gucci shoes as they move across the carpet stopping to absorb the helplessness of this bottomless feeling rushing through his lower bowels.]
Mr. Batee: [Dialing the phone for a third time] Come on Jeremy, pick up dang it!
[The voicemail picks up again introducing Batee to muisak.]
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
Mr. Batee: [Looking at his phone with crazy eyes] Werewolves of London? This boy is seriously taking this "wolf thing" WAY too serious. Maybe the creative team was right and we should have given him a turtle and called him Donny Tello?
Voicemail: This is The Lone Wolf Jeremy King and I'm not here to answer you call right now...
He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's
Going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein
Werewolves of London
[Batee continues pacing rubbing his bald head and waiting for the message to stop.]
Voicemail: But if you leave your name, number and a brief message...
If you hear him howling around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Voicemail: I'll holler back at ya...
Mr. Batee: Holla back?
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again
Werewolves of London
Voicemail: Oh yeah...
Mr. Batee: My God, this is the longest message... [rolls his eyes] come on King...
He's the hairy-handed gent who ran amuck in Kent
Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair
Mr. Batee: Does anyone even know what that verse means?
Better stay away from him
He'll rip your lungs out, Jim
I'd like to meet his tailor
Werewolves of London
Voicemail: If this is Mr. Batee, please help me rescue Sasha before she's put to sleep.
Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doing the
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the Queen
Doing the
Voicemail: Peace!
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect
Werewolves of London
Draw blood.
[BEEP!]
Mr. Batee: Jeremy, it's Batee and baby I need you to send someone over to my vacation house in Hawaii. The pay per view has started and I'm helpless to do anything from here in Manhattan. King, please call that Dog Hunter guy, you know the one who looks like Diamond Dallas Page at 60. Tell him to go to my house and stay with my wife Kimona. I'm going to call her next and tell her to lock all the doors and windows.
[BEEP!]
[The long winded message is cut off and Mr. Batee throws his cell phone against the wall.]
[CRAAACK!]
Mr. Batee: Son of a bitch!
[From static to the announcer's table, we once again join Paul Prominski and Mike Cavenaugh.]
Promo: I'm not sure what to say other than whoever is doing this, must really hate Batee.
Cavenaugh: Batee might be one of the smartest promoters in the world but his people skills need some serious polishing. He's tinkered with a lot of lives and when you do what he has done for 11 years straight, you eventually mess with the wrong person. Whether or not this is a hoax is yet to be seen, but I for one would love to see more of his wife in her robe.
Promo: That's completely out of line Mike! The man's wife is being stalked and you don't have any sympathy?
Cavenaugh: When it comes to that troll, absolutely not!
Promo: Well that response in itself speaks volumes.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
[Part 4]: Tag Team Match - The Sex Symbols Vs. Misanthropic
Promo: Folks, the bell has rung and it's time to get into the squared circle where ring announcer Michael Stuffher is set for the opening introductions.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Michael Stiffher: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the Hammerstein Ballroom!
Crowd: [YEAH!] Stomping...
Stuffher: And welcome to BACW's 2008 Ways to Bleed!
Crowd: [POP!] Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: This first contest is scheduled for one fall, and will hold a 15 minute time limit. About to enter the ring, they are The Sex Symbols!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[As "I'm too Sexy" blares throughout the arena, Sean Peters and his partner DJ Hart slide into the ring. Pumping the canvas and driving all the ladies in attendance wild, the two finally pull their tear away outfits off, and settle into their respective corner.]
Promo: When the TSS arrived here in BACW many thought they were going to wow audiences all around the globe, but from what I have seen, they have barely made an effort to advance in the tag team rankings.
Cavenaugh: I don't put much stock into pretty boys because in the end, unless your forehead looks like hamburger meat, you won't win the respect of these BACW fans.
Promo: I can't disagree with you more.
Cavenaugh: Of course you can't, you're a simpleton.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: And their opponents... Running down the isle with steel chairs in their hands? Oh my! It's Misanthropic!
[Diving out of the ring through the top and middle ropes, the announcer hits the concrete.]
Promo: The TSS are too busy pandering to the ladies and....
[CRACK!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Cavenaugh: Sam Natas and his son Blood Thrilla deliver two chairs shot from hell and down go Pete and DJ! I guess it's save to say they just got their dicks kicked in.
[Mike lets out a chuckle as the action turns into a classic old school beat down with Sam and his son raining down kicks and punches to their opponents in bunches.]
Promo: The referee isn't going to control Misanthropic and calling for the bell, this bout has turned into an anything goes pin to win contest!
Cavenaugh: That's how I like them!
[Natas drags DJ to his feet and tossing him over the top rope by the hair, the mob-like crowd calls for more violence.]
Crowd: Chairs! Chairs! Chairs!
Sam Natas: [Growling to his son] Get your fucking chair son, it's time to smash this Pretty boy's head in like a melon.
[Collecting their chairs and motioning for Sean to stand upright, the crowd gets into it by stomping their feet in support of BACW's oldest tag team.]
Promo: Sean doesn't even know where he is but he's getting to his feet.
Crowd: [POP!]
Cavenaugh: Here comes the lamb to the slaughter!
[Reaching back and firing through...]
[CRRRRRACK!!!!]
Crowd: [NO!]
Promo: Sean ducked and Misanthropic just hit each other with the chairs!
Cavenaugh: Natas falls flat on his back!
Promo: Thrilla can't hold his balance!
[SQUISH!]
Sam Natas: [Holding his groin] UGH!
Crowd: [OH!!!]
[Falling face first in Ric Flair like fashion right into the groin of his father, Sean Peters pulls Blood Thrilla to his feet. Motioning to the crowd, Peter's unloads with his finisher and hooking the leg for the 1... 2... 3... the crowd cannot believe the match is already over.]
Crowd: [BOO!] Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit!
Promo: I'm not really sure what just took place but is it me, or was that match really short?
Cavenaugh: I scratched my balls, and it was over!
Promo: Way too much information.
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Ding!] [Ding!] [Ding!]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the bout by pin fall, Sean Peters... DJ Hart... The Sex Symbols!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: I don't know what to say other than Misanthropic must not be feeling well...
[Promo shuffles his papers with disgust.]
Cavenaugh: I'll tell you what I think! Sam Natas and Thrilla are shells of their former selves and should be ashamed with this performance here tonight. The code of BACW is you wrestle for the fans not for yourself and the day you feel the fans aren't worth it, well that's the day you should hang up your boots and call it a evening.
Promo: That's pretty harsh Mike don't you think?
Cavenaugh: Harsh? Watching that match on a BACW pay per view... THAT... was painfully harsh. I'm disgusted...
Promo: Well fans, whether we like it or not, the first bout of the evening is in the record books, and it's time to take a break. But don't you go away because up next is the debut of Jeff Harris as he takes on former New York State heavyweight champion "Superstar" Alec Ace! We'll see you in a few...
Click HERE to continue show
|
