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[Part 3] : Honey, I'm Home
[Switching scenes from the ring to the parking garage, our background noise transitions into boos.]
[Zoom into Chris Ross; we see he is outside the Elks Lodge in the parking lot. Arriving with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder, we see a green recycling truck running idol; rap music blaring. Turning off the engine, a tanned muscular individual wearing a neon orange shirt and some camouflage pants hops out.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Dropping his bag to the floor and extending his arms, Ross lets out a rare smile.]
Chris Ross: Carlos?! What in the world are you doing here?!
[Ross and Carlos slap each other five.]
Carlos: Hey now homez ya think I would leave my islander brotha abandoned in his time of need?! Hell naw esse! Carlos the Recycle Man don’t roll like that!
[The camera zooms in to see a sadistic grin come across Chris Ross’ face.]
Chris Ross: Oh yeah Kimo definitely came through… Now look, Kimo has rigged a camera in the hospital and Jamaica is stationed Lord only knows where. But I can't believe it, look at you man!
Carlos: I know homez... Ro-Mang, I think I can be of some help to you.
[Carlos walks over to the cab of his truck and pulls out a small rusty bear trap.]
Chris Ross: Carlos where in God’s name did you get that thing!? I'm a wrestler not Grizzly Adams! You'll poke your eye out!
[With a sneaky gaze, Carlos whispers into Ross' ear.]
Carlos: Relax, I found it on my trash route today esse! Imagine if Sashay or Johnny were to stick there noses where it don’t belong? Snap-o-la! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
[Closing his hands together Ross nods with cautious approval backing up from the rusty and dangerous trap.]
Chris Ross: [Rolling his eyes] Nice idea Carlos…But what I really need you to do if you're interested is this...
Carlos: Yeah...
[Ross looks around and whispers back.]
Chris Ross: ...take out the X-Factor!
[Suddenly Carlos starts jumping up for joy slapping his dirty gloves together like Rocky after he beat Apollo in the sprint on the beach.]
Carlos: Yo mon, I watch that Fear Factory all the time! What do you want me to eat?!
[Instantly annoyed, Ross grabs his temples trying not to blow a gasket.]
Chris Ross: [Through gritted teeth and fake smile] ... X-Factor! Not FEAR Factor! Look, the X-factor I'm talking about is a guy by the name of Lone Wolf…
Carols: OOOOH!
Chris Ross: You think you can work something out for me?
[A nod from Carlos’ eases the tension as the two continue to talk.]
Carlos: Don’t worry homez… If anyone can do it Carlos the Recycle Man can!
Chris Ross: Whatever Bob the Builder... Look, let's get inside but do me one more favor brah.
Carlos: What's that esse?
Chris Ross: Next time, take a bath!
[Part 4] : Opening Match
Orge Lambart
Vs.
Sam Natas
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: Folks we are back, and as we wait for our opening introductions to begin, let's take a few seconds to address what it is that Chris Ross actually wants from Mr. Batee.
E.D: I used to think Ross wanted a title shot, but now I'm completely convinced, he wants Batee's blood!
Promo: His blood?
E.D: Yep, all over his body!
Promo: Well if that's the case, I don't think Chris Ross is going to find his land of canaan tonight because as we all know, Mr. Batee is not in Brooklyn, but instead at the hospital with his injured wife.
E.D: Did you hear the rumor that Mr. Batee is furious with what Ross has done over the past few months and was busy all week on the phone looking for an equalizer to take Chris out once and for all?
Promo: Maybe that equalizer could come in the form of Michael "Snake Eyes" Cavenaugh or the mysterious Project X?
Crowd: [Pops as the name Cavenaugh is said.]
E.D: Look, I'm no fan of Mr. Batee but I truly feel Chris Ross has hit the executive hornets nest one too many times.
Promo: You know the old saying, "Mess with the bulls, you get the horns!"
E.D: [Nodding with agreement] Exactly my thoughts!
Promo: Well folks, it's time for the opening introductions so let's go the squared circle and ring announcer, Michael Stuffher.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Michael Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Brooklyn, New York!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Stuffher: And welcome to TV-MA!
Crowd: [BIGGER POP!]
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall, and will have a 15 minute time limit!
[Cue in metal artist "The Murder Dolls."]
Crowd: [BOO!]
Stuffher: Coming down the isle, from the dirty pits of Arkansas, he is "Evil" Sam "God Damn" Natas!
Crowd: You sold out! You sold out! You sold out!
E.D: Why are these people saying Sam sold out?
Promo: BACW fans appreciate only thing...
E.D: Under age Canadian strip clubs?
Promo: No! Fantastic victories and glorious defeats; something Sam Natas hasn't been apart of since early 2007.
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Climbing up onto the turnbuckles, you can tell Sam is furious at the reaction. Mumbling about killing everyone in the Elks once his match is over, the evil one slumps down into the corner Raven style while waiting for his opponent.]
Stuffher: And his opponent, entering the ring at this time, Orge Lambart!
Crowd: [POP!]
Promo: Word from the medical staff is that Orge Lambart has been cleared to wrestle but really shouldn't be in the ring. Injured during his generation "X" match, this is the first we have seen of Lambart in two months.
E.D: [Rubbing his fingers together] You know what I'm doing?
Promo: What?
E.D: Playing the world's smallest violin!
Promo: [Shakes his head] ...
E.D: Paul, Orge Lambart needs to dedicate himself to the cause or else he can't expect to be anything but just another brick in the wall if you know what I mean.
Promo: I hate to say it E.D. but I'm right there with you.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: Folks the bell has rung and it's time for some of the veterans to get down and dirty in our opening contest! It's TVMA live from Brooklyn, New York - and here we GO!
[Walking right up to Orge, the evil one bitch slaps him with a heavy backhand. Falling to one knee, Lambart takes a deep breath and shaking off the sting, Sam blows a snot rocket onto his back.]
Crowd: [Stomping] Orge! Orge! Orge!
[Turning to rub the side of his reddened face, Lambart wheels around but Sam ducks the surprise sucker punch! Down to both knees and driving his arm into the crotch area of Orge, Sam rolls behind Lambart and yanking up on his opponent's gimp strap; the beast master sings soprano!]
Crowd: [OOO!]
Orge Lambart: [Holding his member] AAAAHHH!!!
E.D: Natas is taking off his belt and I think it's time for some tough love.
Crowd: [BOO!]
Sam Natas: [Holding the leather up high] AAA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHA!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
Promo: Lambart topples to the canvas and Sam immediately begins to rain the strap down across Orge’s back over and over and over again.
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
Orge Lambart: [Screaming and writhing in pain.] NNOOOOOOO!!!!
E.D: Looks like something my old girl friend used to do to me after our sex education class.
Promo: Please don't tell me you're still in High School.
Sam Natas: [Tossing the belt to the side] GET UP!
[Off the canvas and into the ropes courtesy of a hard Irish whip goes Lambart. No! Reversal by Orge puts Natas on the rebound and lending into a shoulder block, Natas is knocked flat on his ass! Standing Natas up in the corner, Orge drives through the chest of the evil one with a kinky knife edge chop! Again! Again!
Crowd: [WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!]
[Natas sees stars and scooping Sam off his feet, Orge pounds him into the canvas with a scoop slam.]
Sam Natas: [ARGHHHH!!]
Promo: Orge Lambart has taken over the momentum of this bout, but you can see with every move, it’s killing him to inflict pain on a legend like Sam Natas.
E.D: The man is definitely a competitor!
[Out of a two step and rolling into a knee drop, Natas holds the bridge of his nose in pain. Zooming in, the camera shows the thick blood oozing from Sam's nostrils.]
Crowd: [OOO!]
[Kicking his combat boots on the canvas, Lambart continues to pour on the heat still hesitating before every move. Off the mat and pushing Natas into the corner, Lambart loads up an Irish whip but Sam reverses the hold. Orge hits the closest turnbuckle with a thud and leaping into the air, Natas rumbles backwards into a killer elbow to the face.]
Promo: This is the determination that Sam Natas brings to the ring! The man knows no pain!
E.D: You call it determination? I call it desperation.
[Rake of eyes keeps Orge off kilter but Lambart counters with a hard boot to the stomach. Snap-mare by Orge transitions into a reverse chin lock but Sam shocks Lambart to the canvas with a side suplex.]
E.D: Lambart better get moving before it's too late.
Promo: Sam to his feet with the discarded belt, and wrapping it around Lambart’s neck, the former champion is in deep, deep trouble! Wait a minute, Sam valet Ms. Suck has appeared on the ramp and what the heck is in her hand?
E.D: Looks like female underwear but don't ask me how I can see that from 50 feet away.
Crowd: [BOO!]
Ms Suck: [Rubbing her crotch area] BITE ME!
Crowd: [BIGGER BOO!]
Promo: Why is Ms. Suck coming down to ringside?
E.D: Maybe she's looking for Mr. Goodbar?
Promo: Oh my God!
E.D: Goodbar is here?
Promo: No... Wait... Yes.. What?
[Climbing up on the apron waving the torn panties Ms. Suck starts to lay into Sam.]
Ms. Suck: [Screaming] What the hell are these!?!! Huh?!
E.D: Never a dull moment in BACW.
Promo: Sam looks completely confused and breaking the hold, Orge flops to the canvas like a piece of cooked spaghetti. Natas is now yelling at Ms. Suck and something tells me, we're headed right down domestic violence way!
Crowd: [CHEERING!]
E.D: Natas has a hand full of Ms Suck’s hair and he’s pulling her up and over the ropes!
Promo: Sam has the panties and he’s shoving them into Ms Suck’s mouth!
Ms. Suck: [GAGGING]
Crowd: [POP!]
E.D: Does anyone care that Orge Lambart's up and looks pretty pissed off?
[THUD!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Promo: Double axe handle from behind and Natas collides head first with Ms Suck who flops through the ropes and down onto the small mats.
[Dragging Natas into the center of the ring, Orge jams his opponent's head between his legs, and leaning back...]
[CRUNCH!!!!]
Sam Natas: UGH!
E.D: CROWN OF THORNS PILE DRIVER!
Promo: Lambart rolls into the press!
Crowd: ONE! TWO!!
Promo: No life from Sam!
Referee: Three!!!
Promo: That's all she wrote!
ED: I told you so…
Crowd: [POP!]
Referee: Ring the bell! This one's over! Ring the bell!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the bout by pin fall, Orge Lambart!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: I can't say I'm surprised by the results of this one.
E.D: Paul, Sam looked so out of shape so although Orge won, I’m just not impressed with his victory here tonight.
Promo: I have to agree but a win is a win and here in BACW, those are sometimes hard to come by. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to take a break, but when we return, it's going to be our New York State championship on the line when "The Lone Wolf" Jeremy King goes head to head with "Krazy" Chris Ross! We'll see you in a few.
ED: You think anyone would mind if I took those panties out of Ms. Suck's mouth and kept them?
Promo: ...
[Part 5] : Gottcha!
[Fading from the ring, Chris Ross and Carlos are walking back stage towards the gorilla area and it's apparent from their conversation that they are still hunting for Mr. Batee.]
Chris Ross: Batee!!! You’re old buddy Ross is back! Why don’t you come out and play-e-A!!!
[Pulling open doors at random and looking under the snack table, Ross taps the staple gun against the floor.]
[Tap! Tap! Tap!]
Chris Ross: Oh don’t worry, I won’t hurt ya boss!
Carlos: Yeah Esse! He won’t crush you like an aluminum can either!
[Ross turns to Carlos stopping him in his tracks.]
Chris Ross: Ok Carlos, its time for us to split up because my match is next… Now I’m going to tell you what I told everyone else… You find Batee, you call my cell phone…
Carlos: During your match esse?
Chris Ross: You find Batee, you call my cell phone! No matter what! Got it?
Carlos: [Reluctantly] Got it…
[Splitting up, Ross and Carlos go in opposite directions but the camera follows Carlos who is still carrying the very dangerous rusty bear trap. Looking around he sets the trap on the ground prying the jaws open. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out a napkin with some meat in it.]
Carlos: You know what they say, "One person’s trash is another’s treasure!"
[Placing the meat in the middle of the snare, he casually walks away whistling like he didn’t just set one of the most treacherous traps you can find in a public area.]
[Zooming in on the meatloaf, we fade to a star swipe.]
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