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[Part 13] : Sex Sells
[Backstage]
[Locker room]
[The Sex Symbols]
[JD Hart & Sean Peters]
DJ Hart: Tonight’s the night dude. I can feel it, we’re going to be the new BACW tag team champions and reign supreme until BACW dies out, which won’t happen as long as were the champions. People pay to see us wrestle and were the main source of income around here, not the Superheroes, Face of Perfection... err… whatever and certainly not any new up and coming tag team.
[Peters adjusts his cup and begins to pull up his tights.]
Sean Peters: I know man; I’m feeling the same thing. I know we’re good enough to do whatever we want and we’re smart enough to get it done right.
[Hart nods his head and agrees.]
DJ Hart: Tonight we start something new, we start a new era in our lives that no one will be able to take from us.
[Peters smiles and pulls up his knee pad on his right knee.]
Sean Peters: It’s not really a new era as much as it’s a new beginning really. It’s the beginning of a new reign of tag champions, ours.
DJ Hart: That’s a better way of looking at it. It’s like an accomplishment on the Xbox 360, you only get so many per game, so were only getting so many chances here.
Sean Peters: No doubt.
[Hart gets his tape out of his bag and wraps his right wrist. After he gets his wrist wrapped he gets an urge to use the bathroom and walks off away from Sean.]
Sean Peters: [under his breath] I just hope you’re right about tonight.
[PART 14]: Bow Down to the King
Promo: Welcome back from the break folks, and at this time, we would like to direct your attention up to the Ovaltron where Michael "Snake Eyes" Cavenaguh will either sign his new BACW contract, or tell the world he will not be returning to professional wrestling's official stomp hall.
E.D: Are you going to even going to mention what just happened to Batee?
Promo: Not with a 10 foot pole.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: Then let's go to the ring for our tag team cha…
[Mid-sentence, Promo is interrupted as the lights in the arena fall out, plunging the crowd into the expected, and cliché, darkness. The Oval-Ton goes to static as the crowd quiets down, dropping into a near silence]
Crowd: [Smart Marks start to cheer] Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake!
E.D: What the hell is going on here?
Promo: I don't know... maybe Sam Natas is getting some revenge? Or maybe that crazy bastard who was messing around in the lights is back at work...
E.D: I'm tired of the lights thing! You know these people are lucky I'm not epileptic!
Promo: Maybe its time for Michael Snake Eyes Cavenaugh to finally make his decision about whether or not he's coming back to BACW?
[A deep, booming voice rings out over the speakers, very reminiscent of James Earl Jones]
Crowd: [POP!]
Voice: Superstar. It's a word that gets tossed around, applied to anyone capable of pulling on a pair of boots and climbing into the ring.
Promo: Then again, it sounds like it could be a public service announcement.
E.D: No, but it's definitely wasting of my valuable drinking time your mom!
Promo: [Nasty cross glance] ...
[The Oval-Tron goes black, leaving only the emergency lights in the arena on. The voice continues.]
Voice: Champion. Another word that is used loosely, applied to any schmuck who has a lucky night, or who is lucky enough to catch someone on an off night.
E.D: Is this guy arguing semantics? Someone should give him the number for Webster's.
Promo: Quiet!
E.D: [Shrugs] I'm just saying.
[The sound of a heartbeat, steady and strong, begins to hum through the crowd. A red line, indicating normal cardiac rhythms, begins to run on the Oval-Tron. The voice continues.]
Voice: Legend. This word once meant something. This word was once reserved for the best of the best, the members of the Hall of Fame... and now, it's used to describe lifetime losers such as Sam Natas.
Promo: Why does everyone hate on Natas?
E.D: Because he's a sick freak who's nothing more than a sideshow attraction. Plus he's dating a man called Ms Suck.
Promo: You better pray to God he isn't listening to you call Suck a man.
[The rhythm on the screen slows, finally flat-lining. The sound of the heart-beat matches the rhythm, eventually fading to nothing]
Voice: Once, Bad Ass Championship Wrestling was filled with superstars, champions, and legends. Superstars collided to become champions, and champions strove to be legends. However, it has been years since someone fitting any of these words has stepped foot in a BACW ring.
Promo: Years? Is this guy forgetting Lee Riel, Darrel Besolve, Todd Knight, and Orge Lambart?
E.D: I think they're the guys he's talking about, actually.
Voice: It is time for that to change. In two thousand eight, a superstar returns. In two thousand eight, a champion reminds the world who he is. In two thousand eight, at the Grinder...
[There is a pause, the entire arena sitting on the edge of its seat]
Voice: ... a legend returns.
[The opening melody of "Dream On" by Aerosmith blasts out, bringing the crowd wildly to their feet. The Oval-Tron flashes a silhouette, over which is written Michael "Snake Eyes" Cavenaugh. The song fades out, replaced by the instantly-recognizable voice of the former World Champion. Signing the piece of paper on the back of Jason Dredd, Cavenaugh executes his BACW contract. Looking into the camera, he snarls and says...]
Snake Eyes: Get ready... 'cause here... it... comes!
[Zooming in on his signature, the Ovaltron shorts as Cavenaugh was about to address the fans.]
[Part 15]: COMING SOON!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: He was just about to speak!
E.D: Thank heavens for small favors.
[A large explosion resonates across the main stage, as familiar words are shouted through the speakers.]
*LESSONS ARE TAUGHT*
*MISTAKES ARE MADE*
*LEARN TO BEWARE THE BEAST!!!*
["Beware the Beast" by Firewind rips through the arena as the crowd buzzes over who would dare to interrupt the "Snake Eyes".]
???: Helloooooooo, Nurse!!!
[The husky, Texan voice is oddly familiar, but not to BACW television.]
Promo: What the--?!? Who's this guy?
E.D: If it wasn't bad enough, first Snake Eyes and now Roy Rogers?
[Walking out from the back, a strong looking, black haired individual steps out onto the main stage.]
Promo: Oh my God! That's no cowboy, it's Kai Kennedy!
E.D: Hell must be melting over because I didn't think Batee had enough clout to get this guy on a BACW show.
[Flashing a grin, Kai waves his right hand at the muted Ovaltron. Cavenuagh looks furious and fit to be tied.]
Kai Kennedy: Hiya, Mike! Long time no see, eh?
[Classic Cavenaugh middle fingers fly.]
Kai Kennedy: You're probably not even interested in why I'm out here, standing on a BACW stage, in a BACW building, at a BACW event, inside the BACW ring. So, I won't tell you why I'm out here. I won't tell you why I'm standing here on a BACW stage. I won't tell you why I'm here in a BACW building. I won't even bother mentioning to you why I interrupted your little speech, because....frankly, you smell like dog shit. Actually, your smell is the least of my problems.
Crowd: [BOO!]
["Snake Eyes" waves off the shot at his smell, dismissing it with an authoritative wave of his hand still unable to speak.]
Kai Kennedy: What I am going to tell the crowd here tonight, is my problem with you, and if you happen to eavesdrop, well...then there's no stopping that, is there?
Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
[Kennedy shakes his head.]
Kai Kennedy: See Mike, even the crowd thinks you smell.
Crowd: [Louder BOOS!]
Kai Kennedy: Look, I've got a limited spot of time here, and I thought it best to inform the good people here in BACW that they haven't gained one superstar tonight. That's an outright lie. I don't know what Mike's been telling you guys, but the fact of the matter is that he's full of shit. You didn't get another wrestler signed.
[Kennedy lifts his head, a sharp glint in the corner of his eye.]
Kai Kennedy: You got two!
Crowd: [STUNNED!]
Promo: Did he just say what I think he said?
E.D: Well break my heel and Pimp Slap me across the street, Kai Kennedy has touched down in BACW?
[The crowd, holding their breath until this point, explodes with frenzy. Kennedy directs his attention towards "Snake Eyes".]
Kai Kennedy: And Mike....I'm comin' for you!!!
Crowd: [POP!] Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
[He tosses the microphone down to the stage, and exits, smiling directly at his old mentor.]
Promo: This place has been ignited by the arrival of not only "BACW's Living Legend" Michael "Snake Eyes" Cavenaugh, but by the shocking deal with wrestling great, Kai Kennedy!
Crowd: [POP!] Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
E.D: I'm sorry Paul, I can hear a word you're saying because these people are going crazy! Kai Kennedy has landed in BACW, and he's put his house, right on top of Mike Cavenaugh! WOW!
[Part 16]: BACW Tag Team Championship
Tables Match Battle Royal
The Superheroes
Vs.
The Face of Perfection
Vs.
The Sex Symbols
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: Entering the through the ropes, ring announcer Michael Stuffher is set to deliver the introductions to our co-main event.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is for BACW's Tag Team championship! The rules of this match are simple. If you are thrown through a table, you are eliminated from the contest. Let me remind the fans, BOTH members must go through the table for the team to be removed from the match. Already in the ring, from Hollywood, California... they are JD Hart... Sean Peters... Together they are the SEX SYMBOLS!
Crowd: [Female POP!]
Fan: I LOVE YOU!!!!
[Standing up, Eric Danger thanks the woman who's practically falling out of her shirt.]
Promo: I don't think she's talking to you Eric.
E.D: [Snapping a picture of her fun bags with his cell phone] Who cares!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: And now coming down the isle...
Crowd: [BOO!]
[“Low Life” by Kid Rock hits the air as Exuwa walks out wearing a white silk shirt and black face shield. Walking up to Michael Stuffher, he snatches the mic from his hands further agitating the crowd.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
Exuwa: It's time for me to introduce, the living, breathing Gods from Boyd, Texas, Weighing in at an amazing combined weight 575lbs of pure power BACW’s Face of Perfection Mike and Pete Turner.
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Running down the isle and charging into the ring, Exuwa tosses the microphone back to Stuffher giving his boys one final instruction.]
Exuwa: Let the blood flow boys.
Promo: As Mike and Pete come down the ramp with an airport security cart stacked high with tables, it apparent these two are looking to not only win the titles, but hurt someone really bad.
E.D: I'm definitely predicting an in-ring death for Particle Man.
Stuffher: And now for the champions...
[Gold fog pours over the entrance ramp and spills over to the studio audience. Golden laser lights form the image of Particle Man’s atom logo in the center of the ring. Universe Man comes out to a huge ovation from the crowd. He has the BACW World Tag Team Championship belt draped over his shoulder He makes his way down the aisle, rolls into the ring, stands in the center of the ring, and lifts his title overhead. He begins clapping rhythmically. The crowd soon catches the beat and claps along they then begin to cheer.]
Crowd: Par-tic-le Man! Par-tic-le Man! Par-tic-le Man.
[Over the loudspeakers the familiar trademarked sound when the letters THX are splashed across the silver screen plays. At the apex of the recording and explosion comes from the entrance ramp, and with a puff of blue and gold smoke Particle Man seems to float down from 10 feet above. “Particle Man” by They Might Be Giants blasts over the speakers and the superhero hits the ring. He handsprings onto the apron, then flips over the top rope landing and one bent knee. He tosses his cape aside. The fans go nuts as he reveals the tag belt strapped under his left arm across his heart like a bandoleer. The music stops.]
Stuffher: Introducing BACW's tag team championships! First weighing in at over the mass of 40,000 paper clips and standing nearly at a colossal 5 feet 5 inches he is The Particle Man.
[Particle Man does a Superman pose in the center of the ring. The fans flood the ring with blue and gold streamers.]
Stuffher: … and his partner weighing more than all previous BACW title holders combined and twice as tall as the biggest bird on Sesame Street, he is the Universe Man!
[Universe Man jumps three times and strikes a double bicep pose. Various snack cakes go sailing into the ring.]
Stuffher: They both hail from The City, USA . They are THE SUPERHEROES!
[Turning, they both begins destroying all the tables on the outside, with Particle Man karate kicking about 5 and Universe Man double axe handing the rest until they all broken!]
E.D: WHAT THE HELL?!!
Promo: Particle Man! Particle Man! What are you doing?
[Coming over to the announcer’s table as the referee signals for both the bell and more tables, Particle Man explains his bizarre actions.]
Particle Man: Fine citizen, we are here to protect DJ and Shawn from a fate worse than genital herpes!
Universe Man: Looking like Spectre?
Particle Man: Am afraid although that is a horrible fate for anyone to handle, Exuwa is here and that means evil will be done!
[SWOOOOOSH!]
[Leaving the scene and entering the ring, Paul and Eric just shake their heads in unison.]
Promo: We're getting an announcement from the back that it's going to take at least 5 minutes for the ring crew to get some more tables out here.
E.D: Good thing for the Face of Perfection because look at the Sex Symbols and The Superheroes do a double team!
Promo: Folks this is completely legal!
[Double teaming Pete, DJ and Sean send him into the ropes courtesy of an Irish whip and hard off the rebound, Pete runs into a jaw breaking double super kick. Stumbling backwards, and falling through the ropes, the crowd cheers as the Sex Symbols climb opposite turnbuckles to collect their pop.]
Crowd: TSS! TSS! TSS!
Promo: Exuwa runs to the aid of Pete but in doing so, he is helpless to provide assistance to Mike.
[Inside the ring, Universe Man connects with a massive punch on Mike Turner!]
E.D: Down to the canvas goes Mike and I bet that’s like getting hit with a sledge hammer!
Promo: Universe Man is so massive I doubt what you are saying!
[With Pete still on the outside, Universe Man pins Mike down with a spinning toe hold.]
Mike Turner: [AAARRGH!!!!]
E.D: Slamming his palms on the canvas, Mike writhes in pain begging UM to release the move but I don't think the big man is listening!
Promo: All four men are getting together for a meeting of the minds, and I’m not sure what this means for Mike!
Exuwa: [Looking into the ring] GET UP PETE!
[As Particle Man, JD Hart, and Sean Peters all run to opposite corners, they leap into the air simultaneously doing individual baseball slides!]
Promo: Mike Turner takes six sets of boots to the face and folks, Pete better get into the ring fast or he's going to find himself all alone.
Crowd: [OH!]
E.D: This isn’t fair! It’s four on one! Particle Man is cheating!!!!
Promo: He is completely within the rules!
[Lowering their bodies one by one as Mike lies helpless still in the spinning toe hold, Sean connects with a knee, DJ unloads with a snap leg drop, and soaring across the ring with both legs extending, Particle Man almost decapitates Mike with a nasty Tennessee jam leg drop!]
Promo: What a series of moves and listen to the crowd go crazy!
Crowd: [POP!] Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
E.D: The seconds are running down to the ring and you know what that means!
Promo: The tables have arrived!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
[CRACK!]
Crowd: [NO!] … [BOO!]
E.D: YES!!!!
Promo: Into the ring with a sledge hammer in hand, Pete Turner starts clearing house! Sledge Hammer to the stomach of Universe Man! Sledge hammer to the back of DJ’s neck! Sean charges but Pete unleashes a hellacious sledge hammer close line! Everyone is down and Pete Turner is on fire!
Crowd: [BOO!]
E.D: The crowd might be booing but they want these tables in the ring just as much as I do! Mark my words, when the tables come out, there's going to cheers no matter who is in control.
Crowd: [YEAH!]
[Sliding the tables into the ring, the crowd does in fact cheer as Pete bridges the table on the corner like a scaffold. Climbing the ropes, he stands on top of the table getting ready to splash an already injured Particle Man...]
Promo: What the hell is Sean doing?
E.D: That goodie two shoes is coming to the rescue of Particle Man!
Crowd: [POP!]
Promo: Sean Peters now climbs on top of the table and the two start punching it out with haymakers from left field.
Crowd: UM! UM! UM!
Promo: The crowd is getting the big man to his feet with words of encouragement!
E.D: Honestly, all they really needed was dangle a candy bar in front of his face.
Crowd: UM! UM! UM!
Promo: Approaching the table as Pete and Peters continue to brawl, what’s Universe Man doing?
E.D: Looks like he’s going to hide under the table; some superhero!
[Universe Man squats below the table and powering his legs up, lifts both men from their resting place.]
Crowd: [In awe of his strength] OOO!
Promo: The two Peters barely maintain their balance but continue to punch it out!
E.D: You said Peters.
Promo: Grow up already would you?!
[Meanwhile, Particle Man has staggered to his feet, and walking the ropes, he runs on them like a circus soleil veteran.]
E.D: How in the world?!
[Particle Man launches himself into the air and nails both men standing on the table with a double flying clothesline….]
Crowd: [WHOA!]
[KA-THUD!!!!]
Crowd: Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! v Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS
Promo: All three men go crashing to the outside and Universe Man still has the table!
E.D: Look out belooooow!
[Tossing over his head and onto Pete and Sean Peters, the crowd continues to chant as the Elks Lodge shows their appreciation for what they have just witnessed.]
Crowd: Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! v Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS
Promo: Universe Man throws up his big meat hooks and I can’t hear a damn thing!
[THUNK!]
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: With the referee distracted, into the ring comes Exuwa and down onto the logo goes Universe Man courtesy of that damn sledge hammer!
E.D: It’s okay for the other guys to cheat but when the FoP does it you complain? Seriously Paul, call the match down the middle or don’t call it at all!
[Setting up a table, Exuwa and Mike go to lift the massive Universe Man but UM battles back with alternating chops. Head butt by the big man sends Exuwa onto the table.]
Promo: Mike is leaning up against another table that was set up in the corner by the seconds, and Universe plays to the crowd as to who he should put through the table first!
E.D: Both members of the Sex Symbols are stirring and into the ring, here comes Pete Turner with a steel chair!
UM: [Pointing towards Exuwa] …
Crowd: [NO!]
UM: [Pointing towards Mike] …
Crowd: [YEAH!]
UM: [Pointing towards Exuwa] …
Crowd: [NO!]
UM: [Pointing towards Mike] …
Crowd: [YEAH!]
UM: [Pointing towards Exuwa] …
Crowd: [NO!]
[With the crowd’s approval, Universe Man barrels towards Mike but he moves out of the way! Universe Man almost hits the table and as he backs up turning around, both Exuwa and Mike hit a double super kick! Universe Man stumbles backward and tripping over Pete Turner who's on all fours, crashes through the table.]
[CRRRACK!]
Crowd: [NO!]
Stuffher: Universe Man has been eliminated!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: This is a huge blow for the champions and unless Particle Man can summon his supposed super powers, I think we are set to crown new tag team champions tonight!
E.D: On the outside, the Sex Symbols have set up tables of their own and covering them with tacks, there isn’t a fan in sight who's sitting!
[Tossing Exuwa over the ropes and putting the proverbial beat down on the FoP, both TSS members point towards tacks. The crowd explodes and just as they are about to Irish whip the FoP over the top, their moves are reversed. On the rebound, the TSS go down at the hands of duel power slams and picking them up one by one…]
[CRAAACK!]
DJ: [ARRGH!!!]
[CA-KRACK!]
Sean: [UGH!]
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: Over the top go the Sex Symbols, through the tables and they have been eliminated!
E.D: Particle Man is now up on the apron and finally seeing Universe Man in the rubble of a broken table, reels from shock!
Crowd: PM! PM! PM!
Particle Man: E-GADS MAN!
[As the FoP charge towards the tiny superhero, he uses the ropes to springboard into the ring. Extending his legs in split legged fashion; Particle Man topples his opponents to the canvas.]
Crowd: [WOW!]
Promo: Bruce Lee like strikes connect and as crazy as this sounds, I can barely see his fists he moving!
E.D: Backing up into the ropes, it’s a double rolling thunder!
Crowd: [Stomping]
Promo: The crowd is getting behind Particle Man and this might be just what he needs!
[Scaling the ropes with the greatest of ease, a pumped up Particle Man delivers a double elbow drop and the FoP convulse from the impact!]
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: Particle Man extends his hand towards a brand new set of tables and he’s calling for the win! Placing both Pete and Mike Turner on one table in the center of the ring, the champion climbs the ropes with big cheese smile.
E.D: Particle Man appears to have all his ducks in a row, and even without the massive Universe Man, it seems to me that he’s just moments away from victory!
[Pointing upwards and bending his legs for the super jump…]
[THUD!]
Particle Man: [Arching] AAAHHH!!!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Plopping into the ring, a recovered Exuwa scowls down at Universe Man. Throwing the dented chair, to the floor, the referee has seen enough and orders Exuwa from the ringside area.]
Referee: That’s it! You’re out of here!
Exuwa: WHAT!!!?????
Referee: Get out of here or I’ll disqualify your guys! In fact, you’re banned from the building!
[With security now on the scene, Exuwa is dragged away with extreme force leaving his team to finally fend for themselves.]
Promo: It’s about time!
E.D: This is completely unfair!? I thought there were no rules in this match?!
Promo: That only applies to the wrestlers!
E.D: No rules mean no rules you idiot!
Promo: You know what? I don’t appreciate your tone!
E.D: I don’t appreciate your bullshit favoritism!
Promo: Just watch the match!
[Placing Particle Man on one of the tables he set up earlier, Mike is now seen holding the champion face down for some unknown reason. A smile forms across Mike’s face and setting up yet another table on top of Particle Man, the two evil men trap BACW’s good guy like an ice cream sandwich. Bending over, Mike picks up the sledge hammer left on the apron by Exuwa.
Promo: What is Mike planning to do?
E.D: According to you? Probably cheating!
Promo: Wait a minute, Universe is moving!
[CLANG!]
Crowd: [NO!]
E.D: No anymore! Double drop kick to the face with a steel chair by Pete Turner bust Particle Man over and dragging the big man to the outside, Peter continues to hammer away at the big man!
Crowd: [BOO!] You suck! You suck! You suck!
[Climbing the turnbuckle with the sledge hammer in his hands, Mike motions to the crowd.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Taking a very brief second to flip off the fans, Mike jumps off the turnbuckle holding the sledge down!]
Promo: Oh my God! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
[CRA-RASH-CRUNCH!!!!!]
E.D: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
Promo: OH MY GOD!!!!!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
[Leaping onto the tables riding the sledge hammer like a po-go stick, Mike drives Particle Man onto the canvas with a sick sadistic THUD!
Promo: Particle Man is dead! Particle Man is Dead! Particle Man is DDDEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDD!!!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
[Rolling from the wreckage as the bell rings, Pete and Mike Turner quickly collect their tag team titles and head into the back as they showered with beer from above.]
[Part 17] : How sweet, new meat!
[The new arrival Mackenzie August is walking down the hallway shaking hands with crew members and other wrestlers as he heads towards his locker room.]
Promo: This new guy is a bit unknown, but he seems a little paranoid.
[Mackenzie looks behind him as he continues to walk and talk on his cell phone. The lights dim and suddenly Exuwa is standing behind Mackenzie holding his bat with glass and human teeth fused to it. The crowd boo’s at the sight of Exuwa.]
Promo: Exuwa is a freak what does he have against this new arrival?
[Mackenzie looks back and as he does the lights go back to normal and nobody is behind him. The fans sound amazed at how quick Exuwa came and went.]
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