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Spectre Contract Signing
[Opening our show with a reverse dissolve, we stage dive into a live chant of “Bad ASS Wrestling” and body surfing to GNR’s “Welcome to the Jungle” something tells us Professional Wrestling’s Official Stomp Hall is about to kick off one hell of a show.]
Crowd: Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
[The lyrics hit and Slash tears into the hardcore rhythm signaling the arrival of BACW Owner Mr. Batee. With the crowd at the right temperature, the production truck cues in the pyrotechnics heating up the arena to over 100 degrees.]
[BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!]
[KA-BOOM!]
Crowd: [YEAH!]
[Along with the continued barrage of explosions and flashing lights, Mr. Batee steps out onto the entrance ramp to a huge pop wearing his traditional white Armani suit with white Gucci shoes. In his hand is a clipboard containing Spectre’s new contract, and looking into the infinity, he nods his head with appreciation.]
Crowd: You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore!
[Making his way down to the ring, where a long table is already dressed up over the logo, Mr. Batee climbs the stairs and steps through the ropes taking one of the two microphones into his hand. For weeks Spectre has demanded respect in the form of compensation, and if Batee isn’t willing to give it to him, Spectre’ is willing to walking out of BACW for good.]
Fading the music: Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games…
Mr. Batee: Cut the music!
Crowd: Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
Mr. Batee: Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.] BAAA-C-Dbbya! Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s me, it’s me, it’s the BMOC of professional wrasslin planet! More powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! It’s a bird! It’s a plane baby! Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s the most prolific antagonist the world has ever known! Welcome to my home! Welcome to my show! And by the power vested in me by you my loyal fans! Welcome, to TVMA LIVE!
Crowd: [WOOOOO!] Bad Ass Wrestling! Bad Ass Wrestling! Bad Ass Wrestling!
Mr. Batee: [Motions for the crowd to simmer down.] Tonight, I’m going to dispense with typical backstage B.S. because there’s a certain CONTRACT matter that needs to be tended to before we get on with this evening’s show. So with that said, Hey Spectre… Get your purple haired ass out right now, and let’s get this bad boy signed.
Crowd: [BOO!] Ass-hole! Ass-hole! Ass-hole!
[And right on cue, the lights go dim and “Memphisto” by Depeche Mode begins to play as an eerie purple glow fills the ring. Pulling the back one side of the curtain and stepping out into the view of the cameras, Spectre and his pet hyena Johnny slowly make their way down to the ringside area.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Inside the squared circle, Batee’s eyes are lock on Spectre’s as the two men continue to engage in an intense stare down. Now at the foot of the ring, Spectre stops placing one foot on the first step.]
Spectre: [Pulling on the chain.] Let’s go Johnny!
Mr. Batee: [Mister Batee interjects.] HEY! HEY! HEY!! Spectre, for the love of God what in tar nation do you think you’re doing bringing that scabby animal out here! How many times do I have to tell you, no wild animals are allowed inside the ring!
[Spectre gives a short glance back at Mr. Batee and then back down at Johnny who is clearly agitated by Batee’s presence.]
Johnny: GRRRRR!!!
Mr. Batee: Tie that animal up, and get in here Spectre; we don’t have all day!
[Spectre stops with one foot in the ring, and one foot on the apron while Johnny continues to bare his teeth for Batee.]
Johnny: [Growling.] GRRR!!!
[Pulling the chain, Spectre continues into the ring with Johnny.]
Batee: HEY! HEY! DAMN IT I SAID STOP! Why aren’t you tying him up?!
Johnny: [Howling]
Mr. Batee: Oh good Jesus that animal stinks like urine! Spectre please! For the love of PETA please!
Spectre: [Releasing the chain] Get him Johnny!
Johnny: [Darting towards Batee] GRRRR!!!
Mr. Batee: Holy crap! AAAHHH!!!!
[Lunging forward, Johnny sinks his teeth into Batee’s pant leg and the owner immediately falls to the ground.]
Johnny: [Pulling and yanking a twisting Batee around the ring.] GRRRR!!!!
Mr. Batee: Oh my God! I’m going to die! Spectre he’s eating me! AAAAH!!!!
[Yanking backwards, Johnny tears off a piece of Batee’s pant’s leg and scrambling into the corner, the owner looks on with horror.]
Crowd: OHHHHHH! [Laughter]
Mr. Batee: Oh my lord, I knew I should have watched “When Animals Attack!”
[Spectre turns and taking hold of Johnny, ties his pet in the corner. Leaping into the air and running sideways, the hyena continues to shred the torn piece of clothing taken from Batee. Chuckling to himself, Spectre motions for Mr. Batee to come to the table and sit.]
Spectre: Let’s get this contract signing over.
Johnny: [Growling] GRRRR!!!! [Shred] [Tear] [Rip]
Mr. Batee: Can’t someone give that thing a bone or something? [Nervous look] Nice doggy… Oh my lord, I think I’m bleeding.
[Inside the ring, Mr. Batee limps to the table and Spectre slowly sits down. Then at the last second, Spectre stands up giving Mr. Batee a sly smile and wagging his finger Motumbo style.]
Mr. Batee: Now what?! [Wiping his forehead with his handkerchief.] Your dang dog practically ate me alive Spectre. What more do you want from me?
[Spectre reaches back motioning of the leash.]
Mr. Batee: HEY! Don’t let that thing go again! NO! [Holding up his hands and motioning towards the table] Look, Spectre… Will you please just sit down?
[Spectre sits down for a second time grinning at the vulnerable owner.]
Crowd: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny: [Howling]
Mr. Batee: Ok, Spectre. I’m going to make this real simple for you. This contract I hold in my hands is my FINAL OFFER! You walk out on this…and you might as well kiss your wrestling career goodbye!
Johnny: [Growling] GRRR!!!
Mr. Batee: [Pointing at Johnny to stay.] I’ve already bent over backwards trying to come up with a contract that will make you happy and already took into consideration all your accomplishments rewarding you with some very special perks. I also took into consideration your fan appeal…
Crowd: [BOO!]
Mr. Batee: As you can imagine that was the smallest part of the contract…
[Spectre motions for the leash.]
Mr. Batee: BUT! I even added more money to the figure we already discussed and I’m sure once you see it, you’ll be satisfied with what I have done.
[Mr. Batee hands Spectre the clipboard but the former world champion still refuses to look down at the words. Finally bringing the microphone to his lips, the sadistic nut speaks.]
Spectre: You forgot to take into consideration what would make Johnny happy!
Johnny: [Howling]
Mr. Batee: Johnny?! That mutt got everything you asked for!
Johnny: [Growling] GRRRRRRRRR!
Mr. Batee: [Scared but smiling.] Oh my, what big teeth you have Johnny…. Tic Tac?
Spectre: You also forgot to take into consideration what it would take to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT about what I know about you!
Crowd: [Rumbling]
Mr. Batee: Damn it, Spectre! Would you just take a look at the dang contract and sign it, please, we’re running out of time.
[Spectre flips through a few pages and then his eyes get really big.]
Spectre: Whoa Whoa! Hold on now, boss!
[Spectre takes the clipboard and stands up from the table. He walks slowly around the ring, reading over the contract. He leans against the corner turnbuckle, and then looks up at Mr. Batee who is tapping his foot furiously on the mat. Spectre grins and winks at Mr. Batee as he flips the contract to the next page. The owner watches as Spectre’s eyes seem to be scanning over the pages of the contract like Evelyn Wood. Spectre nods his head every few seconds as if he approves of the contract then finally, Spectre flips to the front page, and approaches Mr. Batee, who’s still sitting at the table.]
Mr. Batee: I told you it had weekly flea bath, the 14 carat gold dog bowl, Chris Ross action figure, a date with Ms. Suck, dinner with Darrel Besolve, and even the Pixie sticks baby! It’s all there Spectre, now can we finally get down to business?
Spectre: [Rubbing his chin.] I see you remember the dog walking part too.
Mr. Batee: [Interrupting] You I do that for, Michael Vick, not a chance! Look baby, are you going to sign that contract or what?
[Spectre stares at Mr. Batee for a few seconds more holding the clipboard and contract in front of him over the table.]
[SLAM!]
Spectre: Still not good enough!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Spectre promptly drops the clipboard on the table right in front of Batee, who is stunned at his refusal to sign and many in the audience are stunned as well. Immediately the loyal BACW fans turn hostile.]
Crowd: Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye!
[Mr. Batee finally snaps out of his state of shock quickly standing up from the table as Spectre hops down to the floor with Johnny.]
Spectre: [Middle finger.] Adios Batee.
Crowd: Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye!
Mr. Batee: Wait, wait! Spectre, SPECTRE! STOP!!!
Crowd: Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye! Nah nah nah… nah nah nah nah, say-a-y good bye!
Mr. Batee: People please!
[Spectre stops halfway up the ramp, and looks over his right shoulder, sneering back at Mr. Batee.]
Mr. Batee: Look, Spectre! I can be a reasonable man, and I’m not an inflexible hard-ass. But this is business and I gave you what you asked me for. What more do you want? You’re dang dog just used me as a chew toy and…
[Spectre turns around, and stands on the ramp, folding his arms and shaking his head in disgust.]
Mr. Batee: WHAT!
[Finally, he stomps back toward the ring. Spectre slides into the ring again and then gets right into Batee’s face.]
Mr. Batee: [Getting up on the table.] No, no, no, no, no, no! Spectre not the dog again! Spectre stop!
[Climbing back into the ring, Spectre takes his microphone back.]
Spectre: Apparently you don’t want me here bad enough, because if you did then you would know exactly what I want! But I guess I’ll have to see if places like GLWA or HWA will accept my services!
Batee: [Dismounting the table and getting down on his knees in begging position.] WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME YOU PURPLE HAIRED FREAK!!!
[Spectre pauses, and then grins as big as the Cheshire Cat.]
Spectre: I’ll show you.
[Spectre grabs the contract and the pen that rolling on the canvas. Shaking his head, he begins writing on the back page. Getting up from his knees Mr. Batee tries to peak but Spectre pulls back so he can’t look over his shoulder. Finally, Spectre turns the contract toward Mr. Batee so he can see the writing that’s been added.]
Batee: [Wide eyed] WHAT! You’re crazy! Absolutely not! NO WAY IN HELL!
[Spectre’s facial expression turns to one of disappointment and pulling out a cell phone begins to dial.]
Mr. Batee: [Nervous the owner asks.] Umm Spect, what are you doing?
Spectre: [After a brief pause.] Hello? Yes, my name is The Spectre, and I am a FIVE-TIME BACW CHAMPION… could I speak with the owner of HWA, please?
Mr. Batee: HEY!!!!
[Batee immediately snatches the phone out of Spectre’s hands hanging it up with one forceful push of the thumb.]
Mr. Batee: OK OK OK! God dang it! I’ll agree to everything on this contract, INCLUDING the crap you just added! My God Spectre! Will you sign now?
[Spectre co-signs his signature on the back page, and shoves the contract back into Mr. Batee’s chest.]
Spectre: THERE! You’re now the proud owner of your own personal Spectre.
Mr. Batee: [Making sure the signature doesn’t disappear.] I hope you’re happy.
[Spectre snickers and turns to exit the ring.]
Spectre: [Under his breath] Very happy!
Mr. Batee: [Shouting] I’m glad one of us is. Dang leg is half chew up but I guess that’s the price “I” pay for BACW these days.
[Mr. Batee looks furious and as he turns to put down his microphone…]
Spectre: [Coming back into the ring.] Oh, one more thing, Batee…
[Slowly turning around, Mr. Batee looks up at Spectre, seething.]
Mr. Batee: [Through gritted teeth] Yes Spectre…
Spectre: You forgot to wish me a happy birthday!
Mr. Batee: UGH!
[Kicking Mr. Batee in the gut and placing the owner’s head between his knees, Spectre lifts him up and unloads with his Widow’s Peak Guillotine Finisher!]
Mr. Batee: [THUMP!] AGURH!
Crowd: YEEEEAAAHH!!!! One more time! One more time! One more time!
[Picking a limp Mr. Batee back to his feet for a second time Spectre walks around the ring and drops down into a second Widow’s Peak!]
Mr. Batee: [THUD!] GURRRH!
Crowd: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Spectre: Let’s go Johnny, we have a match to prepare for.
Johnny: [Howling]
[Fade to video introduction.]
[end Signing]
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