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House of Fun Match
The Spectre
vs.
Sam Natas
vs.
Chris Ross
[Spectre is in his locker room sitting on a bench, and petting his pet hyena Johnny. Rubbing the top of Johnny’s head, the hyena begins scratching behind his ear with his leg. Suddenly, the door to Spectre’s locker room opens and in walks Devon Lynch; duffle bag in hand. He stands up to greet Devon, but his friend brushes right past placing his belongings at the foot of his locker. The former BACW champion slowly approaches his comrade who is preoccupied with getting his ring attire on. Not known for being tactful, Spectre moves to question the silence.]
Spectre: Do you mind telling me where the hell you’ve been the past three weeks, Devon? I’m up in Pittsburgh filming some commercial, and I get this call from YOU telling me you heard from that woman again, claiming that she is your wife. I tell you to sit tight and that I’ll be right down to see you. But when I get to your home, you’re not there, you just disappeared! I even tried to call you on your phone, but you never picked up. It’s like you fell off the face of the earth!
[Devon refuses to look up.]
Spectre: [Looking into Devon’s despondent eyes] Where were you?
[Devon turns away looking lost and unhappy, he wants to tell Spectre where he was but knows his friend won’t understand.]
Devon: I went looking for HER, Spec.
[Spectre slams the locker closed causing Devon to flinch.]
Spectre: What?! Do you mean you know where this woman is? Did she call you again? Did she tell you where she was?
[Devon looks around and sliding towards Spectre on the bench, whispers so only his friend can hear.]
Devon: No, Spec. She didn’t call again. I still have no clue where she could be. She has only called me twice, and BOTH times the ID on the phone said unknown name and number. She could be calling from anywhere.
[Johnny’s ears perk up.]
Spectre: If that’s the case, then where did you go?
[Devon’s voice gets lower as his confession continues.]
Devon: If it WAS Amber that called me, Spec, then I had to go to all the places I thought she would be. Growing up together I went to our schools, our favorite places to hang out, some of our friends. I even went to her parents’ house to ask about her, but they thought I had lost my ever-loving mind!
[Spectre shakes his head in disgust trying to not insult his friends investigative skills.]
Spectre: Well, actually I can understand that, she did die eleven years ago.
Devon: [Encouraged by Spectre’s willingness to listen] I know that, Spec. They said I was still grieving over losing Amber and the boys, and that when June 6th rolled around again this year, it triggered those feelings I have over missing them. Spec, I KNOW what I heard. I KNOW what her voice sounds like. It’s HER, damn it!
[Running his hands through his purple hair, Spectre’s pacing comes to a halt and looking Devon directly in the eyes, he makes his final plea.]
Spectre: Look, Devon! I know you want it to be her, but when it comes right down to it, you’re just HOPING that it is her, aren’t you?
[His eyes well up with tears.]
Devon: Yes I do Spec, more than anything in the world.
Spectre: But think about it, Devon. If this person who CLAIMS to be your wife really is her, then why hasn’t she told you her exact location? Why hasn’t she given you any sort of clues as to where she is? And if she is being held against her will, then why hasn’t she described her attackers? More importantly, WHY hasn’t she called the police? Any idiot with half a brain would call the police if they were in trouble or needed help. And it’s obvious this WOMAN hasn’t called the police because you know well and to be honest if she had the police would come knocking on your door asking you questions. Am I wrong?
[Devon shakes his head in the affirmative.]
Devon: No, no, you’re right. What you said makes complete sense.
[WHAM! Spectre dents the locker with his massive fist.]
Spectre: This is nothing more than a cruel prank by some whacked out bitch that was probably put up to making those calls by Matt McClain or someone else in BACW! They’re trying to get to me by going through YOU! And damn it that is the WORST possible thing they could do!
[BOOM! He hits it again.]
Spectre: [Shaking his hand] Aaarrrrrggghhh!!! If they wanted to piss me off, then they sure as hell succeeded! I suppose I should take my anger and frustration out on everyone else and not this locker door but Devon, until I get to the bottom of this you are not to get involved!
Devon: Are you starting with Natas and Ross?
Spectre: Absolutely, Devon! Oh, and if that woman calls again, you tell that crack whore she better stop or else I’ll hunt her down and break her freaking neck! I’ll break HER neck and anyone else who may be involved in this SICK joke! NO ONE messes with MY friend!
[Zooming in on Specter’s deranged face, the camera fades to black reforming at the announcer’s table where a puzzled Promo and ED have dawned blank faces. Prominiski shakes his head while the pencil just drops from Danger’s mouth.]
Promo: Break her neck?
ED: Paul, someone is messing with his friend and although I’m known in the Latino nations as a lover and not fighter, a little beating might be just what this chick needs to straighter her ass out!
Promo: Eric seriously, you can’t say that kind of stuff on live TV.
ED: [Shrugs] E.D. don’t care!
Promo: Apparently you don’t!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: [Shuffles paper] Well folks, if my co-host isn’t going to apologize for his tactless comments I will.
ED: [Under his breath] Pussy!
Promo: [Ignoring ED] Fans, the House of Fun cage has finally settled into place, and from the looks of what’s hanging from the metal enclosure, someone better get a few body bags!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Michael Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is an anything goes match with winner being the person who obtains the first fall! Entering the ring, from the dirty pits of Arkansas and accompanied to the ring by his valet Ms. Suck. BACW’s most beloved hardcore freak! “Evil” Sam “God Damn” Natas!
Crowd: [YEAH!] You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore!
[Slithering down to ringside with water dripping from his long, black, curly, locks, Sam yanks on Suck’s dog collar ordering the submissive exhibitionist to lick the steep clean before entering the cage.]
Ms. Suck: [Hissing through her zipper mask] Satan’s speed my God!
Crowd: [Still chanting] You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore!
Natas: [Taking the microphone] Ah- Hahahaha-HAAA! You all know I’m a man of few words, and I don’t waste my time pretending I’m something I’m not. Spectre, Ross, I don’t care how big you are, or how big you think your dicks are! Tonight we are going to bleed for these fans, and you both are going to get hurt badly! Now the time for talking has come to an end; let’s do this God damn thing!
Chant: [YEAH!] Stomping in anticipation of extreme blood shed the crowd rumbles in place.
Promo: Wow what an ovation for Sam Natas and Eric, if the evil one can manage to pull off a win here tonight, I would seriously consider giving him a title shot at the next show.
ED: There is no other like Sam Natas! The man feels no pain or compassion for anyone in BACW. Just look at him pace back and forth inside the cage; he’s here to fight!
Promo: Forget about Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees, Sam Natas is the extreme icon here in BACW and I don’t think there is a person in this locker room or arena that would say otherwise.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: And parting the curtain accompanied to the ring by his tag team partner Kimo Newton, from Honolulu, Hawaii this is Krazy! Chris! Ross!
[BOOM!] [BOOM!][BOOM!]
[With the simulated volcano erupting on the Oval-tron, the fireworks ignite and Ross pounds each side of his chest with his massive hands in King Kong like fashion.]
Kimo: [Leaping around Ross in a circular pattern as they make their way to the ring] Yeah Dawg! House Fun is all you! All you dawg! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Fan: [Leaning over the railing] You suck Ross!
Kimo: Shut up man! My dog Ross is gonna bust Natas up like a house made of Lego!
Promo: Chris Ross is just an odd fellow and if you followed WeWA a few years back, you would be familiar with the nasty feud that went on between him and Derek Parks. With Parks back in BACW, this had to be a huge distraction for Ross who desperately needs to get a win here tonight.
ED: I couldn’t disagree with you more Paul.
Promo: Why?
ED: For one thing, Ross’ clearest path to gold is in the tag team division because it’s a division that allows them to do what they do best…
Promo: Which is?
ED: Cheat!
Promo: Point taken but when is the last time Chris Ross won a match?
ED: What? Are you taking drugs again?
Promo: Only baby aspirin. My neighbor says it’s good for me.
ED: First of all, his last show was against the tag team champions and we all know what happened there. The month before he was a barbwire battle royal that he almost won, and finally he took out Particle Man at The Grinder. So don’t tell me Chris Ross isn’t kicking ass and taking names at each show because he is, your problem is you base all your “opinions” on who has the title shots and who has the belts. Don’t be a Hawaiian hater Paul because BACW fans don’t like ugly.
Promo: Okay you have a point, but do you have to be such a dick about it?
ED: Always!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Michael Stuffher: And finally, accompanied to the ring by his pet hyena Johnny! From the darkest corner of your mind, ladies and gentlemen the former BACW Heavyweight Champion! TTTTHE SPECTRE!
Crowd: [BOO!] You suck! You suck! You suck!
[With his theme music playing in the background and purple lights blanketing the arena floor, down to the ringside area comes a much focused Spectre. Stopping at the cage as Johnny shows his teeth to Ms. Suck and Kimo, Spectre ties his hyena to the cage door preventing anyone from entering.]
Johnny: [Barking at Kimo] GRRR!!!
Kimo: [Grabbing his fly] Hey Johnny, I hear they found your cousin at Michael Vick’s house! Ha! Ha! HA!
Ms. Suck: [Crawling on all fours] Spectre, if the dog goes to the bathroom, can I have it?
Promo: Did she just…
ED: Not even I’m going to touch that one.
[Inside the cage Natas is furious about his valet speaking without permission.]
Sam Natas: Silence you whore! You will not speak unless your GOD tells you to!
Ms. Suck: [Cowering in place] Apologies to the all mighty.
[Shocked Spectre closes the cage without getting in and spinning Natas around, Ross tosses Jamaican jerk powder right into his eyes.]
Natas: AHHH!!!
Promo: Entering the steel structure first just proved to be an advantageous move as Chris Ross took the time to remove the powder from links and use it against Sam Natas.
ED: People say that Ross is an idiot, but from where I’m sitting, he looks pretty darn smart!
[Yanking a carpet stapler from the hook, Ross holds it up in the air while Natas swings his arms blindly into the air.]
Ms. Suck: My Lord, beware of the stapler!
Kimo: Staple his nuts to his forehead dawg!
Ms. Suck: GRRR!!!
Kimo: Chill Suck…
[Yanking Sam back by his locks of extreme, Ross unmercifully pulls the trigger onto the evil one’s forehead.]
[SNAP!]
Sam: AAARGH!!!
Crowd: OH!
[SNAP! SNAP!]
Sam: Oh my… AAARGH!!! F-CK!!!!
[SNAP! SNAP!]
[SNAP! SNAP!]
[SNAP! SNAP!]
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Promo: Six staples to the head and I the blood is pouring from Sam’s forehead like a faucet! Irish whip into the cage by Ross and pounding Natas onto the logo with a power slam, Chris Ross lets out a warrior’s cry!
Ross: [In Triple H position] AAAAGGGH!!!!!! [Pointing to the cage door] Get in here Spectre! NOW!
Kimo: [Leaping up and down] Yeah Spectre, get in there so my boy can pump you up with steel!
Ms. Suck: [Flicking her tongue from the mask.]
Kimo: Yo Spectre on second thought, you might want to stay out here because Suck look like she’s ready to ask yo dawg out on a date.
Johnny: [Starts licking himself.]
[Rubbing his feet on the canvas, Spectre fakes getting into the cage for a second time and pointing to his temple, this further infuriates Ross.]
ED: Spectre isn’t a fool and apparently has a plan to frustrate Chris Ross working on that very fragile temper he has.
Promo: I think his strategy is simply to let these two guys beat the hell out of each other and then come in for mop up duty!
[Body slamming the blood soaked Natas into the corner of the cage, and Ross retrieves a croquette ball placing it Sam’s privates. Looking into the crowd, Ross holds the croquette mallet high into the air.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: I hope Natas doesn’t mind having his eggs scrambled!
ED: Spectre is rushing into the cage and there are tacks everywhere! Ross, turn around!
Crowd: [OH!]
[Driving his fist into the testicular region of Chris Ross from behind, the purple haired freak reaches over the evil one’s shoulders and yanking backwards in the mallet, unleashes a helliacious side Russian leg sweep right onto the tacks!]
[THUD!]
Crowd: [OH!] Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
Promo: Both men roll to their sides in pain and zooming in, both are covered in tacks!
ED: Spectre had the advantage and … Wait a second! Wait one second! Is Spectre pouring pieces of glass onto the logo?
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: Please say he’s not going to throw Chris Ross onto broken glass.
ED: The crowd apparently does, listen to them cheer!
Crowd: You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore!
[Pulling Ross up by the throat, Spectre clears the arm over his shoulder and cranking the evil one above his midline, down goes Chris Ross right onto the glass courtesy of a hardcore choke slam! Dropping to one knee with the crowd going crazy, the referee pounds the canvas for the 1… 2… 3…!!!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Referee: [Waving his hands in the air.] Two, only two continue the match!
Promo: Ross kicks out on the glass and fans there is blood coming from Chris Ross’ back in more places than I can count.
ED: Look out; Spectre’s now setting up a table and I don’t believe it, it appears to have mouse traps glued to its surface!
Promo: Those aren’t mouse traps! They’re rat traps!
[Dragging Ross alongside the table, Spectre holds one fist into the air and scooping slamming The Hawaiian hot head through the table…]
[CRAAAACK!]
[SNAP!]
[POP!]
[POP!]
[POP!]
[POP!]
[POP!]
[POP!]
[THUD!]
Promo: OH MY GOD!!!!!
Crowd: You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore!
ED: Through the table and with rat traps attached to his skin! Chris Ross is out cold and I think Spectre has won the match with that move!
Promo: The residual traps snap closed and as Spectre falls to one knee making the cover.
Crowd: 1…
Crowd: 2…
Crowd: THREE!!!
Promo: He got him!
Referee: [Raising his hands from the wreckage] TWO!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Spectre: [Pulling on his hair] WHAT!!!!!
[On the outside Kimo urges Ross to get it going as Ms Suck continues to shake the cage in an effort to revive Natas.]
Ms. Suck: [Rattling the cage] My God, you must call on the evil to rise about the good!
Promo: Folks Spectre just tied a beaten up Chris Ross to the tree of woe and in the corner; Sam Natas is starting to recover from his earlier exchange.
[Rabid uncontrollable boots by Spectre persist to rain down on Ross and now on his feet, Natas calls out to Spectre.]
Sam Natas: [Holding up a barbwire coconut] Spectre! Send that piece of trash my way!
[Unlocking Chris’ legs from the turnbuckle and dragging him to his feet, Spectre pulls into an Irish whip and as Natas reaches back with the coconut…]
[CRACK!!!!]
Crowd: [OH!] You F-d up! You F-d up! You F-d up!
Kimo: Yeah dawg!
Ms. Suck: NOOOO!!!!
Promo: Reversing the Irish whip right before impact, Sam Natas just struck Spectre right in the face with that barbwire coconut and folks; Spectre is busted open bad!
ED: Ross ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed but something tells me Natas is still considered a spork if you know what I mean.
[Bending over to see if Spectre is okay, Ross sends Sam back to the canvas with a coco butt from the side. Taking a deep breath, Sam pulls himself up onto the ropes, but Sam can’t stop Ross from slamming his head into the cage over and over and over again!]
ED: Ross is carving up Natas like a turkey on Thanksgiving!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: The crowd is now on their feet and good lord all mighty in the highest, Chris Ross has Sledge!
[Hearing the footsteps from behind, Spectre charges but the Hawaiian transitions into a killer…]
Promo: WIPE OUT! WIPE OUT! WIIIIPE OOOOUT!
[Arching his back in pain, Spectre lands on the glass and tacks combination and quivering from the impact, this one appears to be over.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
ED: [Wiggling his ear with his finger.] I think you wiped out my hearing! What the hell is wrong with you? Would you stop screaming like a girl!
Referee: 1… 2…
Crowd: THREE!!!
Referee: TWO!
Promo: Wow, that was close and as we enter the latter stages of the match this is an unbelievable test of will!
ED: Something tells me Chris Ross is going to be the only one walking out of the Mellon Arena of his own free will.
[Grinding the cheese grater into Spectre’s already bloody forehead, Ross alternates punches between his two opponents. Reaching back for a final score, Natas rakes the eyes of Ross stopping him dead in his tracks. Staggering to his feet, Sam takes hold of a kendo stick and looking right into Ross’ eyes begins beating the God holy shit out of the Hawaiian star.]
[Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack!]
Promo: The kendo stick busts into pieces and jamming the stub into Ross’ forehead, blood is now flowing from all three me.
Kimo: You want a piece of me Suck?
Ms. Suck: [Leaping into a Theisz] ARGHH!!!
ED: It’s like Thunder Dome in there and now the valets are going at! Someone release Johnny!
Referee: 1… 2… NO! Kick out!
Crowd: [OH!]
[Inside the ring, Spectre starts squirting water onto a confused Chris Ross and as the big man closes the gap to take care of business… ZZZZZZZZZZAP! Spectre jams him right in the stomach with a miniature stun gun!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Ross: [Falling to one knee.]
Promo: Ross will not go down but that stun gun shock isn’t helping his cause!
[Spectre delivers a boot and pulling the Hawaiian up, tosses Ross into the corner! Turning to Sam, both men get ready to take it to the extreme! High knee to the face of Ross cripples him to the ground and as Spectre squares off with Natas, the crowd is completely shocked when…]
Crowd: [NO!] [BOO!] You sold out! You sold out! You sold out!
Promo: Say it isn’t so! This is like the day the music died!
ED: This is like watching Lavern have sex with Shirley!
[Shaking hands inside the ring, Sam Natas and Spectre form a team and zooming into the crowd, you can already see signs that say, “Pain and Destruction” 4 Live.]
Kimo: [Yelling at the referee] Yo Dawg, dat ain’t fair! Foul! Foul!
Ms. Suck: Suck on this little man!
[Giving Kimo the Theisz for a second time and smacking his head into the steel stairs, Suck mounts Kimo giving him the old fashion muffin man through her latex crotch snaps.]
Ms. Suck: [Gyrating on Kimo’s face] AH- hahahahahahaha! AH hahahahahahhaha!
Johnny: [Whimpers under the apron.]
ED: I’m no prude but is there a place I can throw up?
Promo: [Head in his garbage can already] This one’s taken. [GAG!]
[Inside the ring, Natas just applied the big boot to Ross and after a double suplexing through a barbwire table, the place goes completely erupts!]
Crowd: Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling!
Promo: Ross is sliced, and diced! Natas looks like a human pin cushion! And I can’t even see Spectre’s face from all the blood pouring down his chest.
ED: Both men are making a double cover!
Referee: One… Two…
Promo: What the hell is that, a double pin to win? Is that even legal?
ED: Only in BACW Paul.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Micheal Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the house of fun, The Spectre and Evil Sam God Damn Natas!
Promo: Lifting their hands in victory, Pain and Destruction have arrived here in BACW and a stranger pair there never was! Calling for the cage to be opened, Suck dismounts a knocked out Kimo Newton and …
[THUMP!]
[THUD!]
Crowd: OH! [CHEERS!]
[From behind with the sledge hammer to the back of their skulls, and angry Chris Ross begins to shock the team of Natas and Spectre with the discarded stun gun.]
[ZAP!!!]
[ZAPP!!]
[ZAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Chris Ross: [All sliced up and covered in dried blood] You’re next!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
[Pointing at Ms. Suck, Ross tells her he’s going to break her in half and force feed her – her own body parts!]
Ms. Suck: Nooooo! Noooo! My God help me!
Promo: Suck is holding the cage closed and kicking the door open, Ross flings Suck off the apron like a finger booger! Crashing onto the railing throat first, Suck is knocked out cold and look at a recovered Kimo Newton putting the Jordan’s to Ms. Suck!
[Kimo holds the railing and screaming at Suck as he repeatedly kicks her in the stomach, Ross has begun to climb the cage with a very injured but angry Spectre trying to follow.]
Kimo: How you like that! And that! And That! Ah! [kick] Ah! [stomp] Ah! [stomp] Ah! [stomp] Ah! Ah! Ah! [stomp]
Promo: Ross just took the stun gun to Spectre for a second time and the former heavyweight champion is in big trouble.
[And as Kimo continues to trample Suck, from the top of the cage you can hear Chris Ross telling him to set up a table and light it on fire.]
Kimo: YEAH DAWG! That’s the kind of gangsta stuff I’m takin bout!
Promo: On top of this monstrosity of a structure, Chris Ross has Spectre in a full nelson, and Spectre appears to be completely limp!
Kimo: [Striking the match and holding it over the table.] The roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the purple pecker burn! Burn purple pecker, burn!
[BLAAAAAZZE!]
Crowd: [YEAH!] Jump! Jump! Jump!
ED: As ordered, Kimo has set two tables on fire and if Ross jumps with Spectre in that full nelson, we might see a fatality right here in the Mellon Arena. Hey Ross, I’ll bet you $50 you won’t walk away from this one!
Promo: Please don’t encourage him!
[Releasing the full nelson and allowing Spectre’s body weight to carry him forward, the crowd goes silent as the former BACW champion’s falls lifelessly from top of the cage. Turning sideways in what seems like slow motion, Spectre hits the first flaming table and as he goes through the second hitting the concrete, the place goes absolutely fucking balls to the wall nuts!]
[CA-MOTHER-FUCKIN-CRACK!!!!!]
Promo: AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ED: Houston, I think we have a problem!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Promo: The medical team is immediately waved on by a frantic referee, who like the rest of us here in attendance is stunned. Spectre is a massive man, and for someone like that, to fall off a steel cage, go through two flaming tables, colliding violently with the concrete; well this is just absolutely horrific!
Crowd: Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap! Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap! Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap!
ED: Kimo Newton has scaled the cage and as Chris Ross continues to look down in what I can best describe as a bizarre trance, the medical team has already called in reinforcements to help with getting Spectre out of the arena, and into a local hospital!
Crowd: Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap! Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap! Thank you Spectre… clap-clap clap-clap-clap!
Promo: From the back, just appearing on the scene is Devon Lynch who must have seen the fall on one of the close circuit TV’s and is he waving his cell phone?
ED: Maybe he’s concerned about his free minutes?
Devon Lynch: [Not knowing what just took place off the cage.] Spectre! She called! She called again!
Promo: He looks like he just saw a ghost.
ED: Is that Whoopie Goldberg in the crowd? Whoopie! Hey Whoppie!
[As the words come out of Promo’s mouth, the Oval-tron lights up and a woman hidden by a curtain of darkness cries out.]
?????: Devon… help me… please…
[The Oval-tron fades and Devon collapses onto the ramp as we cut to commercial.]
Continue show HERE!
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