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Part 7 - Exposed
MAIN EVENT
BACW Tag Team Championship
Chris Ross & Derek Parks (c)
w/Sarah Richards and Kimo Newton
Vs.
The Superheroes
[The shot reforms with ring announcer Michael Stuffher standing on the logo ready to introduce the combatants for tonight's main event.]
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is our main event of the evening and will be for BACW's Tag Team championship!
Crowd: [POP!]
Promo: This is the match the crowd has been waiting for the entire night and for me E.D. this bout should be one for the record books.
ED: Fat and skinny went to bed, fat rolled over and the champions retained; completely thrilling!
Promo: You're such a jerk!
ED: Look Paul, my errection just went down, my mouth is dry, and I just want to get back to sleep.
Promo: Wonderful.
[Blue fog pours over the entrance ramp and spills over to the studio audience. Golden laser lights form the image of Particle Man’s atom logo in the center of the ring. Universe Man comes out to a huge ovation from the crowd. He makes his way down the aisle, rolls into the ring and stands in the center of the ring. He begins clapping rhythmically. The crowd soon catches the beat and claps along they then begin to cheer.]
Crowd: Par-tic-le Man! Par-tic-le Man! Par-tic-le Man.
[Over the loudspeakers the familiar trademark sound when the letters THX are splashed across the silver screen plays. At the apex of the recording and explosion comes from the entrance ramp, and with a puff of blue and gold smoke Particle Man seems to float down from 10 feet above. “Particle Man” by They Might Be Giants blasts over the speakers and the superhero hits the ring. He handsprings onto the apron, then flips over the top rope landing and one bent knee. He tosses his cape aside and the fans go nuts. The music stops.]
Stuffher: Introducing the challengers for the BACW Tag Team Championship!!!!!! First weighing in at over 1000 liquid ounces and standing nearly at a colossal 5 feet 5 inches he is The Particle Man.
[Particle Man does a Superman pose in the center of the ring. The fans flood the ring with blue and gold streamers.]
Stuffher: … and his partner weighing more than all his opponents combined and twice as tall as Abraham Lincoln he is the Universe Man!
[Universe Man jumps three times and strikes a double bicep pose. Various snack cakes go sailing into the ring.]
Stuffher: They both hail from The City, USA. They are THE SUPERHEROES!
ED: How do you see this one panning out Paul?
Promo: To be effective, Particle Man will have to focus on wearing Ross out by making the big man chase him around. Universe Man on the other hand should counter that strategy by taking advantage when Ross gets out of breath.
ED: So you're saying he should work the ribs with moves like a stomach claw, bear hug, or an abdominal stretches?
Promo: That's what I think will work.
Stuffher: And their opponents. First, from Indianapolis Indiana! He is accompanied to the ring by the slutty Sarah Richards. Some call him the dirtiest player in the game. Ladies and gentlemen, DCP Derek "cheap shot" Parks!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Promo: Anything to add?
ED: Not unless it has to do with that hot piece of ass Sarah. Oh boy, here comes my errection again.
Stuffher: And his partner, from Honolulu, Hawaii! Led down the isle by Kimo Newton! Chris Ross!
Crowd: [POP!]
Promo: Are these people actually cheering for Ross?
ED: What do you expect; they all share the same brain!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Promo: Well the bell has rung, it's time for the main event to begin, and here we GO! After a brief argument, it appears the champions are going to send out Derek Parks and the challenger are going to send out Particle Man.
ED: Once again the challengers send out Particle Man and once again, this is going to be a huge mistake!
[Driving Particle Man into the corner, the super reverses his position in the corner and leaping up into the air, stuns Parks with a back heel kick! With Parks wobbling in the corner, Particle Man backs up and charging DCP, hits a powerful running forearm to the jaw!]
Promo: Parks goes face first into the canvas and connecting with a split legged moonsault, here's the cover and the count. 1... 2...
Crowd: THREE!!!
ED: That's a negative on the three count!
Referee: Shoulder off the canvas! Continue the match!
Promo: Pulling Parks into the corner, Particle Man makes the tag and in comes the big man!
[Into the ring, Universe Man uses the full five count to work over Parks and pinning DCP’s arms behind his back, Particle Man executes 3 full powered roundhouse kicks to Park’s face.]
Sarah: Double team referee! What the fuck asshole!
Referee: Come Particle Man, get out of the ring!
Kimo: Come one Parks! Stop foolin around and make tha tag!
Promo: Parks spits blood and Sarah Richards appears to be in tears here at ringside.
[THUMP!]
ED: She's in tears because Universe Man just ripped of a fart with that last move!
Referee: [TAG!]
Promo: Another tag by the challengers!
ED: Out goes Universe Man and in comes his partner.
[Drop toe hold float over to a front face lock while Parks is on his stomach and executing the headlock, Particle Man blasts DCP with knees to the head and face.]
ED: Particle Man looks great and the D to the C to the P looks like C-R-A-P!
Promo: I can barely keep up with the moves! They're happening too fast!
[Digging deep, Particle Man connects with a surprise elbow that catches PM right on the chin! Another! Another! Another! Chops force Particle Man back into the corner and following up with a high knee, Parks cripples into his corner making the tag.]
Referee: TAG!
ED: Particle Man is dead!
[Over the top rope in comes Chris Ross.]
Promo: Bolo upper cuts and OH! Ham hand to chest of Particle Man and I think Ross just knocked off one of the little guys nipples!
ED: I would like to try to knock off one of Richard's nipples; with my teeth!
Promo: What's wrong with you?
ED: I'm losing my buzz, I'm horny as hell, and I'm watching four ugly guys touching each other in the ring!
Promo: WAY too much information!
[Inside the ring, Ross lowers a leg drop that leads to a close 1... 2... 3... but squirming out from under the cover, Particle Man forces the contest to continue.]
Promo: Tag into Parks and OH! Vertical suplex hits the mark!
ED: Look at Derek's lip, it's a complete mess!
[Rolling knee rattles the forehead of Particle Man and as Parks goes to pick up the little man, he crawls through Derek's legs and makes the tag!]
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: The crowd responds and Parks immediately tries to run from the ring but he can't get passed Universe Man!
Parks: [On his knees in the corner] No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
[Universe Man nails Parks in the nose with a stiff head butt, and with Derek in a sitting position, Universe Man nails him with a Mafia kick to the head.]
Crowd: [OH!]
ED: Universe Man thinks Parks is a Pez dispenser!
Promo: He's biting the top of his skull.
ED: Chris Ross really needs to make a tag and why is Kimo Newton leaving the ringside area?
Promo: I haven't a clue.
[Universe Man tries to amp up the offense and going off the ropes, misses DCP with a lariat! Low blow by Parks stops the big man in his place, but falling backwards, Universe Man still manages to make the tag. Charging into the ring with too much speed, DCP hits Particle Man with a clothesline. But Particle Man no sells the move!]
Promo: What's this all about?
ED: The little guy seems pissed.
[Gets up from the canvas, Particle Man yells furiously, and hits DCP with a surprise spin kick. Getting superhero position, Particle Man falls face first into DCP's groin showing the residual effects from the clothesline.]
Crowd: Let's go Derek! Let's go PM! Let's go Derek! Let's go PM! Let's go Derek! Let's go PM!
Promo: The crowd appears to be trying to revive both men.
ED: Particle Man slings his arm across Derek's chest and we have a count!
Referee: 1... 2...
Crowd: [OH!]
Promo: DCP kicks out with authority, sending PM into the air, and into the referee's arms!
ED: The ref dumps Particle Man back onto Parks and gets a surprise 2 count;
Referee: 1... 2...
ED: What the hell was that?
Promo: As expected, DCP is yelling at the referee and for once, I don't blame him!
ED: The tag!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: Particle Man makes the tag to Universe Man but DCP is quick to tag in Ross!
[Chris hits Universe Man with a hard uppercut sending him to the mat and Ross makes the press.]
Referee: 1... 2...
Crowd: THREE!!!
Promo: This time it's Universe Man who kicks out at two with authority!
[The referee tries to catch Ross from his knees, but isn't strong enough and Ross lands on top off him. Universe Man makes the three count and raises Ross’ hand in victory.]
Crowd: [Laughter]
Promo: The referee gets up and yells at the two to continue the match.
ED: These guys are nuts!
[Placing Ross chest first onto the second rope, Universe Man makes the tag and . Particle Man sets up Ross for the 619. Running forward, Particle Man stops short of the ropes and instead of executing the 619, just kicks Ross right in the ass.]
Promo: There's another tag by the challengers.
Crowd: OH!
ED: Atomic drop and Ross might not be right for weeks!
Promo: He's another tag to Particle Man and looking for a missile drop kick, Ross swats it away!
Crowd: [OH!]
ED: The referee is forcing Universe Man out of the ring and Ross is calling for the end!
[SLAM!]
Crowd: [OH!]
Promo: Wipe out! Wipe out! Wipe out by Chris Ross on Particle Man!
ED: I hear the fat lady singing! The champions are going to retain!
[As Particle Man is shown knocked out cold, and Ross is about to go for the cover, Kimo Newton wheels himself back out onto the ramp with a microphone in hand.]
Kimo: Yo Yo Yo Yo! Hold it up Ross! Before you make that pin, look up here dawg!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Kimo: Aight dogs let's put this match on pause foe a sec here! What I am about to show right hurr is proof that Derek "Cheapshot" Parks was the one who did this to me!
Promo: We are right in the middle of a match?
Kimo: Roll tha footage!
ED: Kimo isn't the sharpest tool in the shed Paul but apparently Ross trust him enough to not go for the cover.
[On the Ovaltron it shows Kimo walking into Mr. Batee's office looking around.]
Kimo: Where's Ross man... He should be hurr already!
[CRACK!]
Kimo: [UGH!]
[Suddenly from behind, Derek Parks is seen shattering a glass baseball bat over Kimo's head knocking him unconscious. Picking Newton off his face, Parks throws him up on the desk and DDT's him through the wood. As the blood rains down Kimo's chest, Parks laughs not knowing Kimo has hidden a camera in an attempt to catch Mr. Batee in his office.]
Parks: [On film] Stupid Hawaiian! Don't you know, it's all about me! D-C-P!!!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[The screen turns to static as Kimo nods his head still sitting wheel chair ridden.]
Ross: [Inside the ring Chris looks over to Park] The fuck was that!?
Sarah Richards: [On the floor] Oh shit!
Kimo: There you have it dog! You're partner injured me to get his hands on my BACW gold!!!
[As Parks looks like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, an absolutely fuming and irate Chris Ross storms over and tags him into the ring! Flipping Parks over the top rope, Ross starts punch and kick Parks in the corner ending it all with a huge Wipe Out in the dead center of the ring.]
Sarah Richards: [Pounding the apron] NOOOO!!!!!!!
[Storming to where Particle Man lays still knocked out, Ross drapes his small body on Parks and lets the ref do the 3 count.]
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Stuffher: Ladies and... [UGH!]
[Not even letting Stuffher make the announcement, Ross rips the microphone out of his hands as steam comes from his ears.]
Ross: [Looking down on his partner] I told you Parks! I TOLD you that IF it was you who did this to Kimo, I was personally going to leave you broken!
Promo: Chris Ross has snapped.
Ross: You're nothing Parks! NOTHING! Did you honestly think that you were going to attack Kimo without any form of retaliation?!
ED: It seems DCP didn't count on Kimo having hidden footage.
Ross: You must not know me very well... Hehehehehehe... It's almost like you forgot who I am...
[Ross shakes with anger and picking Parks' body off the canvas looks him in dead in his eyes, face to face.]
Ross: I don't like it when people don't remember me... so let me give you a friendly reminder... My name is Chris Ross...
Ross & Crowd in Unison: DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!
[Dropping the microphone, Ross gives Parks another Wipe Out before leaving a hysterical Sarah Richards crying over the body of Chris Ross. Finally entering the ring, Universe Man collects what's left of his partner, and fading on Sarah, this show comes to an end.]
Sarah: Someone help me! PLEEEEASE! Oh my God Derek, WAKE UP!
[Fade to sobbing]
end TVMA
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