[Our show forms in the back where we see a camera crew waiting for the appearance of one of WeWA’s most recognized international wrestlers. Pacing back and forth with an anxious step, xZone reporter Candice Hoffman chatters to herself while the camera continues to roll.]
Candice Hoffman: Just be cool and proficient. [Nervous tone] Cool and proficient.
[Revolving back towards the gate without looking, Candice bumps into the upper body the man she has been waiting for. Panning upwards, you can make out this man to be none other than former World Hardcore Champion, “The Real Deal” Ryan Rhodes.]
Crowd: [HUGE POP!] Rhodes! Rhodes! Rhodes!
Candice: [Nervous eye contact] Hey Ryan.
[Saying nothing, Rhodes sidesteps Candice and continues his path into the arena. Opening the door, Ryan stops in mid swing pausing in the entrance.]
Candice: [Annoyed and with her hand on her hip] So this is how it’s going to be huh?
[Ryan’s position remains fixed, not giving way to a second glance.]
Candice: [Stomping her high heel on the concrete] Fine! Be that way you asshole!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Closing the door without looking back, Hoffman takes out the unwritten machine gun.]
Candice: Get that darn camera on your shoulder! [Tossing her hair] Tell me when you’re ready.
Camerman: In three two one…
Candice Hoffman: Hello fan boys and fan girls, this is your sex and pissed off on the scene xZone reporter Candice Hoffman and what you just witnessed was hale and hearty Ryan Rhodes walking into the London Arena. From this point forward, I will no longer interview or speak with Ryan Rhodes because of his ass-hole-ic actions just a few moments ago. See, I interview the guys who have balls and not the cowards who don’t take the time to support the people who once supported them. Get over yourself Ryan and just face facts. You aren’t hurt; you just knew you couldn’t hang with Cavenaugh, Obsidian and the rest. I guess what they say is true Ryan, size DOES matter!
[With her breathing out of control, Candice loses all composers for the first time in her career. Normally a cool cucumber, she’s heating up like an Iranian nuclear missile program.]
Candice: [Digging in deep] I’m sick of people like La Sombra tagging me a slut because of what he perceives is happening between us. The fact of the matter is you’re not my type! You’re ugly! You’re breath stinks! And you suck as a wrestler!
[Taking it up another notch, the reporter gets out her can-o-whip-ass.]
Candice: So there you have it folks, Ryan Rhodes fabricated our so-called relationship, so he would seem like more of a man to his friends in the back. Batee thought it was a good idea for my career, so I allowed it to happen because I need this damn job.
[Taking off her shoe and tossing it at the closed door.]
Candice: No more rumors Ryan, because you’ve been PUNKED! [Straightening her shirt] I’m your sexy and still pissed off on the scene xZone reporter Candice Hoffman with a NEW saying! “If it has to do with Ryan Rhodes, it doesn’t belong on my show!”
[Ending the footage on a well manicured middle finger, the camera quickly cuts into the office of eWrestling.Org owner Mr. Batee.]
Crowd: [BOO!]
[On his cell phone and looking very serious, we ease drop on his conversation.]
Mr. Batee: Come on Forte, polish like you mean it! Lean back! Lean back! Get some muscle into it and lean back! Just pretend like you’re in a Puerto Rican dance club and everyone’s drunk.
[Moving the camera’s point of view down, you can see Spaz Forte shining Mr. Batee’s white Gucci shoes with verve. Dressed up like Aboo in Aladdin, Forte frantically shuffles the small cloth back and forth.]
Spaz Forte: [Without making eye contact] It was never like this in Radio Shack. Oh I long for the days when I actually had something going for me in my life. Please Batee, my puny arms are killing me.
Mr. Batee: Faster damn it! [Slapping Forte in the bald head and knocking his little red hat to the side]
Spaz Forte: If the God’s had a heart, they would deliver me the Winnebago of freedom.
Mr. Batee: I said FASTER!
CC: Uh… Like this isn’t sex phone boss man to Eddy.
Mr. Batee: No, not you CC.
[Motioning for Forte to get him something to drink, Spaz exits the office with his head in submissive position. There’s a flush in the background and then Eddy’s voice is heard.]
Eddy Outlaw: OH THAT FELT GOOD! Bats! What can I do for you now?
Mr. Batee: [With a disgusted face.] Did you just immediately get on the phone after dropping the mother?
Eddy Outlaw: Washing your hands is for sissies Bats, besides, why are you calling me? Don’t tell “The Outlaw” you’re in need of another favor? I’m only one man Bats and even my greatness has a limit.
CC: [In the background] It does?
Eddy Outlaw: [Covering the receiver with his hand] No baby, but I like Bats to think he’s in control every once in a while so he doesn’t freak out on me.
Dakota Dave: Simply the best Eddy! Simply the best!
Eddy Outlaw: Get what I’m saying baby.
CC: UH huh…
Mr. Batee: Hello? [Yelling into the back] Where’s my drink Forte you stupid, lazy, no good, BUM!
CC: [In the background] Is he yelling at you baby?
Eddy Outlaw: [Making the crazy sign to CC with his finger] So Bats, you need another favor I presume?
Mr. Batee: [Chuckling] No Eddy, tonight I’m going to make good on my guarantee to get you a title. Matty and I have had a clash of ideas once again and since I’m the owner of eWrestling.Org and Matty… well isn’t… We need to guarantee his severance from the American Heavyweight championship. You have been first-class to me Eddy, and now it’s my turn to be first-rate to you.
Eddy: Thanks for the bump at the pump, but the prototypical superstar doesn’t need anything but Team Outlaw in my corner. See Bats, “The Outlaw” can already taste sweet victory. [An uncomfortable look overcomes Eddy] Hold on Bats, I think I have to take a shit again. Talk to Team Outlaw for a second.
Mr. Batee: Yeah Eddy I don’t…
[In the background the door slams and you hear the familiar…]
CC: Heeellooo Bats!
Mr. Batee: [Red faced and bashful] Well hello CC!
[Leaning in is Dakota Dave.]
Dakota Dave: Simply the best Batee! Simply the best!
Mr. Batee: [Rolling his eyes] Whatever Dakota. Is Eddy done? I really don’t have all day for this.
[Toilet is heard flushing in the background and once again, Outlaw retakes command of the phone.]
Eddy: Thanks Dave. [Clearing his throat] Taco Bell is one brutal meal [Buckling his pants] Now where were we?
Mr. Batee: So you don’t need any help tonight with Dee?
Outlaw: Pay attention Bats while The Outlaw enlightens you. The wheels of greatness are in motion and the hands of destiny are almost in alignment. My superior jaw line, my just what the doctor ordered body, and my million dollar smile are all going to be graced by gold as “Perfection Personified” Eddy Outlaw shows the world why I’m the only one allowed to play in the WeWA sandbox. Matty Dee is going down because he cannot beat, what cannot be beaten.
[Off in the background you can sense Team Outlaw is primed and ready for action.]
CC: Uh huh…
Dakota Dave: Enlighten us Eddy! Enlighten us!
Mr. Batee: If the peanut gallery behind you is done, let me remind you that turning me down means I don’t owe you a favor anymore. [Rubbing his hands] The slate is clean Outlaw.
Outlaw: You will always owe me Bats. You and the entire WeWA because without me, it’s just enjoy the brutality. “The Outlaw” is “Simply the Best” and no matter who attempts to beg, borrow or steal my success, it always comes down to the pump of my stump!
CC: And the biatch!
Mr. Batee: That may be Eddy, but as long as you take care of business in the ring, I won’t have to go back to that old phrase.
Outlaw: Are you threatening “The Outlaw”?
Mr. Batee: I’m just making a statement Eddy. Matty Dee isn’t to leave London on his own two feet and he is not leave with one of my championship belts.
Outlaw: And if I add a crippling bonus… Then what?
Mr. Batee: Then I promise you a main event shot at the next iPay Per View. Whether you are the world champion or not, I’ll make sure by hook or by crook, that you are in the main event. Do we have a deal?
Outlaw: Deals are made to be broken so let’s just say we both understand what each other’s looking for.
Mr. Batee: I can live with that.
Outlaw: Before you go Bats, let me ask you something.
Mr. Batee: Shoot.
Outlaw: Did you ever think Dee was all that? This match seems to me like you are leading the lamb to the slaughter.
Mr. Batee: Mike Johnson once told me, “Dee isn’t world championship material and he couldn’t allow his Midwest federation to have an unworthy champion. Dee has a big ego and Johnson told me he was sick of feeding it.” At the time, I felt Johnson was wide of the mark, but alas, in the end, Mike Johnson was precise. See Mathius Dee isn’t well-off, there’s no such thing as National Flare Industries.
[In the background Dakota Dave screams.]
Dakota Dave: HE SOLD ME STOCK!
CC: [Giggling and jiggling] What’s stock?
Mr. Batee: Do you know The Dan is just an inventory guy we found working at the GAP?
Eddy: [Mock hands on cheeks] Dee’s not wealthy!
CC: [Hands on the other cheeks] Annd... he’s NOT the Biatch either!
Mr.Batee: He doesn’t even get paid close to you or Cavenaugh but I fear he’s become the number two biatch. He’s dying to get Cavenaugh in the ring and when Jack pinned him, Dee knew that we wanted to shift gears eliminating him for the world title picture.
Outlaw: Outlaw is full throttle.
CC: [Rocking side to side] Uh Huh…
Mr. Batee: If you allow him to retain his title Eddy, he’s going to be toting our American title around in another ring. Then things are going to get nasty, and I’m going to get mad.
Outlaw: Rest assured Bats, “The Outlaw” will ride like a warrior into battle fighting for the honor of my… I mean WeWA’s greatness. When it’s over, I’ll be holding up the American heavyweight title over my head ridding WeWA of the bore-DUM that is Mathius Dee. Then and only then will I yell…
Dakota Dave: SIMPLY THE BEST BABY! SIMPLY THE BEST!
Eddy Outlaw: No Dave!
CC: [Raising her hand] Let me guess! Heellooo boys?
Outlaw: No companions of the same brain, I will yell, FREEDOOOOOM!
[CLICK!]
Mr. Batee: Hello? [Turning off the cell phone] Freedom? I tell ya, that boy has some serious issues but I like him!
[On the heels of that sentence, Spaz Forte reenters carrying Mr. Batee’s bourbon.]
Mr. Batee: The hell took you so long you little freak!
Spaz Forte: Sorry Mr. Batee, but Shippito was hungry and…
Mr. Batee: Silence you little bastard! [Snatching the drink from Spaz’s hands causes Forte to shiver in place.] When you have orders to jump, you’re only response should be how high!
Spaz Forte: You are not a nice man and the lords of Raja will come down on you for the suffering I endure.
Mr. Batee: Well… [Not quite knowing how to respond to Spaz] Well you’re ugly!
Spaz Forte: Sling Blade.
Mr. Batee: What?
Spaz Forte: Nothing Sir.
Mr. Batee: [Looking into the glass] Did you spit in this?
Spaz Forte: [With hands in prayer position] On the bible of Raja, I did not.
Mr. Batee: Well then you drink it…
[Shoving the drink in Forte’s face, Spaz continues to cower. His knees and trembling like the spineless jelly fish he really is.]
Spaz Forte: [Muffled because of his hands] My religion forbids me to consume alcohol.
Mr. Batee: WHAT! Get over here little freaky freak!
Spaz Forte: [Still covering his mouth] No!
Mr. Batee: [Trying to pry his hands] Stop struggling!
[Suddenly the door swings open and Scott DiBiase is standing in the opening just staring at the two men.]
Anthony: GASP!
Scott: [Crinkling of the brow] Did we interrupt a New Jersey Governor’s meeting?
Anthony: Sir why is Spaz Forte dressed like the monkey in Aladdin?
Scott: Take caution Anthony, it might be the work of Cyber Lenz?
Mr. Batee: [Tossing Spaz to the floor] Come on in Scotty, seems to me we have some stuff to talk about. Funny joke, don’t make them at my expense or the hell you caused Salami will seem like Pinhead on vacation in LBI.
[Fading from the sobbing Forte who is on his back crying about how Mr. Batee has abused him, DiBiase takes a seat and we are tossed head first into the London Arena where Host Eric Bytchoff and co-Host Tony Salami are awaiting their cue.]
Eric Bytchoff: Hello everyone and welcome to the London England, the site of WeWA’s iPay Per View entitled Critical Mass! Along side me this evening calling the action is going to be the man who invented dirt and rocks, “The King of Three” Tony Salami!
[Shaking his head like Booker T, Salami rips off his dreadlock wig and yells.]
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Man it’s good to be back on the air!
Tony: I feel like a teenager at summer sleep away camp.
Bytchoff: Mozzle-taf.
Tony: No we didn’t drink at that age Eric.
Bytchoff: [Shakes his head shuffling his papers] Please keep those pent up thoughts out of our show. Fans, tonight, Michael “Snake Eyes” Cavenaugh will defend his eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight championship against one or possibly three opponents! But what should concern Cavenaugh isn’t the number of challengers he might face; it should be the number of friends who are going to enter the ring with him.
Tony: Mike Cavenaugh picked a fight with Magnum Randell last week and we all saw how that ended up. This week he picked a fight with Eddy Outlaw and I’m pretty confident this will be Outlaw’s last day in a Black Knight T-shirt.
Bytchoff: I agree because unless you’re like Jack Kraven who simply took the high road, Mike’s paranoia is going to be the death of him and The Black Knights.
Tony: I think Cavenaugh can smell the turn just like we can, and this week he’s laying down the foundation for a potential war with his Black Knight stablemate, Eddy Outlaw.
Bytchoff: Also on the card, we will have a three way dance between Scott DiBiase, Tremere, and Ben Black!
Tony: This week Scott DiBiase drugged me in his illegal café and rest assured Mr. DiBiase, you will be hearing from my attorneys!
Bytchoff: Did you really see a Dung Beetle?
Tony: It wasn’t the beetle that upset me, it was the visions.
Bytchoff: Scott is pretty clever but can he take out the indestructible Tremere and the red hot Ben Black?
Tony: One victory makes Ben Black hot?
Bytchoff: These aren’t my que cards!
[Swapping papers Eric continues.]
Bytchoff: You know what I think about this match?
[The words “THE GOOD! THE BAD! THE UGLY!” appear on the Ovaltron.]
Tony: Dee’s mother is here?
Bytchoff: I think they are talking about his wife.
[Then Symphony of Destruction begins playing loudly over the speakers. Pyrotechnics go off and out walks a man with short red hair. He is wearing black carpenter pants and black wrestling boots with red shoestrings. His elbow pads are black and he is wearing a black Metallica t-shirt. He stops every so many feet and looks around at the crowd with a smile on his face. He climbs in the ring and grabs a microphone and begins speaking.]
Man: Well... Well... Well... The day has finally come and I am finally here in the WeWA.
Crowd: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly [Clap]! The Good, The Bad, The Ugly [Clap]! The Good, The Bad, The Ugly [Clap]!
Derek Parks: Right here at Critical Mass live here in LONDON, ENGLAND!
Crowd: [BIGGER POP!]
Derek Parks: [Standing at Derek’s side] Most of you, if not all of you, are probably wondering just who the hell this guy is standing in the ring interrupting the show. Well I’ll tell you who I am! My name is Derek “cheapshot” Parks. Remember the name because you will be hearing a lot about me in the near future. I am the newest wrestler here in the WeWA.
[Mixture of BOOS! and CHEERS! comes from the crowd.]
Derek: That’s right! Mr. Batee just signed me last week. And although I don’t know what he has in store for me here in the WeWA, I’ll tell you what I have in store for the WeWA!
[Pauses for a moment.]
Derek: It seems that Mr. Batee is looking for a rookie that is dedicated to domination. [Rubbing his chin] Mr.Batee, you need to look no further [Points to himself] because I am the one you have been searching for. I am the rookie that will make an impact in this company. So what’s that mean for the WeWA roster? Who’s safe? Who’s not? I guess time will tell. You see I have a goal here in the WeWA...
[Crowd interrupts him with their shouts.]
Derek: [Raising his finger] To give this company the kick in the ass that it needs to get to that next level of excellence. I mean don’t get me wrong. The WeWA is at the top of the list of companies in this business. The WeWA has a great list of superstars. But is it time for some new blood? It is time for someone that has the hunger... The hunger for excellence! Someone that isn’t afraid to go after what he wants. Someone that isn’t going to sit back and watch the others shine... And that person is [Points to himself] me… DEREK “CHEAPSHOT” PARKS!
[Pauses with a smile on his face.]
Derek: I know I might just be the new guy…
Crowd: Right turn Clyde! Right turn Clyde! Right turn Clyde! Right turn Clyde!
Derek: I might just be the new guy to you but I guaran-damn-tee you that the WeWA will never be the same again. So take your pictures now, because this is the day, the day that you first saw the next big superstar here in the WeWA! It may not be tomorrow, it may not be next month, or the month after, that but I will make an impact here in the WeWA. And when it happens, some may like it and others won’t.
[Pauses for a moment.]
Derek: So wrestlers in the back listen up and listen up good. I may be the new guy but don’t expect to have an easy match when you face me because I will bring my Good. I will bring my Bad. And I will bring my Ugly. The question is though will you? LONDON ENJOY THE SHOW!
[Derek slams the microphone on the mat and climbs out of the ring heading towards the back with the crowd shouting a mixture of things. Some still shout Right Turn Clyde, others cheer and the remaining minority boo.]
Bytchoff: There goes Derek “cheapshot” Parks exiting to a mixed reaction and with a stern warning like that to the boys in the back; I think I predict one thing for Parks.
Tony: [Making a Mr. T face] PAAAAIINNN!
Bytchoff: Exactly! [Shuffles papers] Fans, the referee and ring announcer are ready to kick off this show so let’s turn this over to our opening introductions.
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, our first contest is a three way dance and will only yield a winner when one man has pinned both his opponents! Entering the ring, he hails from parts unknown, and weighed in tonight at 380 pounds! At 6’10” tall, this is Ben Black!
Crowd: [POP!] Back in Black! Back in Black! Back in Black!
Bytchoff: At ringside tonight with Black is a masked man who was not given an introduction because Black refused to tell us who he was. Now I’m not a moron like you Salami, but is that a log is his hand?
Tony: Looks like Kodiak’s “Log” if you ask me.
Bytchoff: Perhaps this is just another ploy by Black to get Scott DiBiase and Tremere off balance? Folks, I’m going to take the time to stress, Kodiak is been suspended from WeWA for life and to this date, Mr. Batee has not reconsidered his decision to reinstate him. Batee says Kodiak is done in WeWA forever so I’m not sure what Black’s point is by bringing this mystery man down to ringside.
Tony: Insurance.
Bytchoff: Think Black really needs it after his victory over Billy Ray two weeks ago?
Tony: Were you at his book signing?
Bytchoff: Point well taken.
[As Black’s music comes to an end, the new music signals the arrival of the monster known as Tremere. The heavy-bass riff of “Hell is round the Corner” creeps over the speakers, the lights dim and a chill wind blows through the audience. There is a pause, another longer pause before our hero steps out onto the stage.]
Tony: He's here... it is Tremere.
Bytchoff: [Rolling his eyes.] What a keen observation!
[As Tremere begins to make his slow walk down to the ring, he stops half way to survey the crowd, and through the leather clad mask comes a smile. Eventually Tremere begins to circle the ring and even more methodically rolls under the bottom rope. He salutes the four sides of the auditorium, before rolling back under the ropes to the outside.]
Bytchoff: If I may continue, in this match I think Tremere should be showcasing his wrestling side. The talk has been that Tremere is a one trick pony, an individual who doesn’t care for his own welfare, a powerhouse who can only fight one way. Well if his plan is to be successful against two ring veterans, he’s going to have to switch gears.
Tony: Like letting the other two individuals actually get it on and then interrupt at given opportunities?
Bytchoff: Exactly!
Tony: I can’t believe I’m right!!! But it is a two fall match Eric.
Bytchoff: You’re completely right my synoptically challenged friend and this could lead to a long drawn out affair. Remember, Tremere is driven by tragic emotion and often using the car accident that took the love his life away from him, the more intense the contest gets, the more dangerous Tremere will most likely be.
[As signs go up in the crowd like "Ryan Rhodes for Pop IDOL" and "Tremere - whip me, chain me ... choke me", we finally settle in on one that says, "Kraven vs. Ran-dell pass me a hotdog". With one man to go, the curtain stirs and…]
Circling your head contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth I got a doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out See you later
I see your fantasy you want to make a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads
Well now that's over
I see your motives inside and decision to hide
[From behind the curtain, Scott DiBiase emerges wearing a black Adidas jacket and matching tear-away pants, with his custom North American championship belt strapped around his waist. Pyrotechnics explode as Scott begins to walk down the aisle, which is lit up with green dollar sign shaped spotlights. Slowly walking towards the ring, Scott flashes a handful of $100 bills to the crowd, inciting a mixed reaction of cheers and boos.]
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're Headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
This is not where you belong
I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away
Stuffher: Approaching the ring at this time, accompanied by Gunthar, wearing black trimmed with gold. Weighing in at 251 lbs. and hailing from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada... he is the self-proclaimed BACW North American champion: Scott DiBiase!
Conclusions manifest your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you're full of shit and that's alright
That's how you play I guess you get through every night
Well now that's over
I see your fantasy you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads
Well now that's all over
I see your motives inside and decision to hide
[Scott climbs up into the cage and nods to the people who are cheering him on. He removes his Adidas jacket and tear-away pants and unbuckles the unofficial BACW North American Heavyweight championship belt, which he hands to the referee. Looking on from the floor, Tremere runs his thumb across his neck.]
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're Headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
This is not where you belong
(This is not where you belong)
I can't give everything away
(This is not where you belong)
I won't give everything away
(This is not where you belong)
Bytchoff: This week DiBiase boasted that he not only knew Tremere’s strength, be he was going to expose the big man’s weakness too. Tremere better watch out because there’s another man in the ring with him that wrestler goes by the name of Ben Black!
Tony: It’s time for Critical Mass to begin Eric!
Bytchoff: The referee has called for the bell and here we GO!
[Black immediately goes on the offensive by charging DiBiase but the ring veteran ducks the wild clothesline. Off balance from the lunge Black opens himself up to a waist lock and tilting backwards, it’s Scott with a textbook German suplex! Black’s neck compresses on the canvas and picking the big man off his feet, DiBiase tosses Black into the corner with a hard Irish whip!]
[THUD!]
[Ben arches his back in pain and driving in hard, DiBiase pulls back looking to unload with a killer clothesline. Lifting his massive boot off the canvas, Black drives his sole into Scott’s face thwarting the attack!]
Bytchoff: Tremere has entered the ring and look out Scott!
[Stumbling into the center of the squared circle holding his jaw, Tremere jams his gigantic shoe into the stomach of Scott doubling over the veteran. Jamming DiBiase’s head between his legs, Tremere drops the bomb on DiBiase with an awesome pancake!]
Tony: Scott looks hurt and Tremere is going for the cover!
Bytchoff: 1.. 2..
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Kick out by DiBiase and this one’s going to continue! I didn’t think Scott was going to kick out, but then again, DiBiase really needs a win this week in order to get the bookers into thinking he’s ready for a rematch against Michael “Snake Eyes” Cavenaugh.
Tony: After what Scott and Anthony did to me this week, I don’t think I’ll ever drink coffee again.
Bytchoff: That’s a good thing because coffee wreaked havoc on your insides. It was seriously unbearable!
[Inside the ring, Tremere is dragging Scott into the opposite corner and going up to the top rope, the man monster leaps into the air! Off the turnbuckle and down across the throat of Scott DiBiase, Tremere can be heard laughing through his gimp mask. Hooking the leg, the referee pounds the canvas for the 1.. 2..]
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Times a lady! Kick out by DiBiase and… OH! Baseball slide by Ben Black snaps back the head of Tremere and that had to hurt!
Crowd: Black! Black! Black!
Btychoff: The maniacal maniac shakes his head and turning towards Ben again, Black punches him dead in the face!
[Propping Tremere against the turnbuckle, Black unleashes a pair of a flesh ripping chops but the monster shrugs off the pain!]
Tremere: No way little man!
[Rack of the eyes and applying a side headlock as Scott DiBiase continues to recover on the canvas; Tremere drives Ben Black face first into the logo courtesy of a tough love bulldog.]
Bytchoff: Tremere is an animal but one has to wonder just how long this big man can survive as the match progresses into the latter stages.
Tony: Well my cousin once did the Bob Backlund “Step Up” test and he was like 4’10”. Probably was about the size of Roxanne Logan; 400 pounds I think.
Bytchoff: Bob who? [Looking up at the ring] Full nelson slam by Tremere on Ben Black and that had to hurt! The big man is going to the top rope and my god, he couldn’t! He’s too big!
Tony: Look out below!
Bytchoff: Senton Bomb crushes Ben Black and I think Black is knocked out cold! Tremere applies of The Choker Cross face and he’s going to secured the first fall!
Tony: Tremere gets up nodding his head and DiBiase just connected with a super kick!
Bytchoff: I think the zipper just flew off the mask and Tremere is bleeding from the mouth!
[Spinning in a quarter circle, DiBiase locks in an STF and Tremere cries out in pain! Reaching frantically for the ropes, the referee asks Tremere if he wants to submit and the big man say NO!]
Bytchoff: With Black still down holding his rib cage, it’s DiBiase who’s now one on one with the man monster. Releasing the STF, DiBiase grabs Tremere by the mask and pounding Trey’s face into the canvas; Scott looks like he’s gaining a second wind.
Tony: Here comes DiBiase’s ringmanship into play!
Bycthoff: Is “ringsmanship” even a word?
[Into a half crab and sitting down hard, DiBiase appears to be taking out the legs of the big man. Grabbing hold of the knee pad, Scott rocks deeper into the hold and Tremere refuses to give up!]
Tony: He’s countering with a push up! DiBiase can’t hold the move!
Bytchoff: Scott senses Tremere’s change in leverage and thinking quick, abandons the ½ crab immediately twisting into an Indian Death lock! Dead in the center of the ring, Tremere is helpless to…
[WHACK!]
Bytchoff: Black with a steel chair shot to the back of Scott DiBiase shoulder blades and why isn’t the referee isn’t calling for the bell?
Tony: You can’t DQ someone in a match like this!
[DiBiase falls over to the side limp and picking him off the canvas, Black jacks him into an awesome F5! Slamming down on his face and stomach, DiBiase rolls over in pain and Black pours on the heat with thudding DDT into the steel chair! Hook of the leg and cover! 1.. 2..]
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Scott DiBiase has been pinned and this means Tremere and Black are tied at one apiece! DiBiase still hasn’t gotten his first fall and the way things are going, I think he’s going to win this one.
[Irish whip into the ropes and coming off the nylon hard, DiBiase gets caught in a Ben Black power slam! Driving the dazed DiBiase onto the back of Tremere, Black alternates with lefts and rights before hooking Tremere’s leg for the press.]
Bytchoff: Here’s the cover and the count! 1.. 2..
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Fingers or more means you’re a dirty whore! Kick out by Tremere and Ben Black looks at the referee with crazy eyes.
Black: That was THREE! Come on ref!
Tony: Black is furious and listen to him scream at the referee, he does the like call at all!
Bytchoff: The referee isn’t backing down!.
Referee: [Pushing Black off his chest] Two! Only Two! Don’t you push me or I’ll disqualify you.
Tony: Black is sweating a great deal in the ring!
Bytchoff: Who cares Tony!
Tony: Well what would you say about the match so far?
Bytchoff: What about, commentating about the most baffling thing about the match! Why is the masked man standing at ringside with a log?
[Yanking Scott off the canvas, Black applies a full nelson and straddling over Tremere, Ben changes the full nelson into a sidewalk slam! Under the move and in position to be crushed, Tremere rolls out of the way and hitting the canvas hard, DiBiase is motionless! Low blow by Tremere on Black and as Ben bends over to soothe the throb; Tremere shows us his technical side by practically snapping Ben’s head off with a fantastic stunner!]
Bytchoff: Tremere is up and he’s lowering elbow after elbow from the vertical position on Ben Black.
Crowd: Trey! Trey! Trey!
Tony: London loves Tremere!
Bytchoff: Taking DiBiase by the hair, Tremere tosses him over the top rope.
[CRAAAACK!]
Crowd: [POP!] Trey’s hardcore! Trey’s hardcore! Trey’s hardcore!
Bytchoff: Scott DiBiase crashes through the Spanish announcer’s table with a nasty thud and I don’t think he’s going to get up.
Tony: Miguel and Paco are furious! Look at them give the bilingual bitch slap to the injured DiBiase!
Miguel: Maticone!
Paco: Mi comida! You dick!
Bytchoff: Covered in rice, beans and green pigeon peas, Scott DiBiase appears to have been broken in half by this massive monster called Tremere and listen to this crowd continue to cheer!
Crowd: Trey’s hardcore! Trey’s hardcore! Trey’s hardcore!
Tony: DiBiase isn’t a hardcore wrestler and although I hate his guts, you have feel for the guy.
Bytchoff: One word Tony… Dung Beattle.
Tony: You’re right! Kill him Tremere! Kill that uptight rat bastard!
[Off the canvas and into shoulder breaker position, Black counters by escaping over Tremere’s shoulder and the big man is taken by surprise.]
Bytchoff: Chicken wing by Black surprises Tremere and quickly spinning into a swinging neck breaker, the tides have turned once again!
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Kick out Tremere and this one’s going to continue!
Tony: Black is going for his Mordichi finisher!
Bytchoff: If Black hits this, there’s no way Tremere will recover!
Tony: Black is too weak!
Bytchoff: Black can’t do it and Tremere counters with a reverse neck breaker!
Tony: Ben Black has been stunned!
Bytchoff: [Pause] Wait a minute! What is Tremere doing?
Tony: It appears he’s propping Black up on the top rope and he’s calling for… oh my God no…
Bytchoff: Did I hear him right?
Tony: You did because even my deaf ears know what’s going to happen.
Bytchoff: Ripley’s Believe it or not, he’s pointing towards the timekeepers table and he’s calling for a choke slam!
[WHACK!]
Tony: [Hiding under the table] AH!
Bytchoff: Tony!!! Where are you going?! Inside the ring comes the Mexican Madman La Muerte and pounding a chair into Tremere’s back, the big man is wobbling. Again! Again! A third time!
Tony: Tremere is falling with Black locked in his grasps and this doesn’t look good.
Bytchoff: Into the ring comes the man with the log!
[WHACK!!]
Tony: Down goes the man and his little log too!
[CRASH!]
Bytchoff: Through the timekeepers table and slamming his head against the timekeeper’s bell, Ben Black is gushing blood! DiBiase is crawling across the wreckage of the Spanish annoucner’s table with blood streaming down his face and he’s going to make a double cover! 1.. 2..
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Kick out by Tremere but Scott pinned Black! We are all tied up and inside the ring, La Muerte is screaming in Spanish.
Tony: From behind the masked man with the log swings at Muerte and barely missing, Muerte bails from the ring!
[Suddenly the crowd parts and someone jumps the railing.]
Tony: It’s La Sombra!
[Grabbing Ben Black while La Muerte is distracted by the man with the log.]
La Sombra: Diablo Drive!
Bytchoff: Not on the bell! NO!!!
[CLANG!]
Bytchoff: Diablo driver on Tremere and the big man is hemorrhaging more than a virgin in bed with Obsidian.
Tony: THREE!!!
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
Bytchoff: This one is over and I don’t believe it, Scott DiBiase just won this match!
Tony: God I hate that guy!
[Dropping from the apron and exiting with his new manager La Sombra, all that’s left in the ring is complete and utter carnage. Victorious but still writhing on the floor in pain, Scott DiBiase escapes Critical Mass with a win.]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the contest with two falls, Scott DiBiase!
Bytchoff: Anthony has now appeared at ringside to aid Scott DiBiase who is out cold and as Ben Black limps up the isle with his masked partner, I don’t believe this, but Tremere is getting back into the ring! He is demanding La Muerte and La Sombra get back into the ring and you have to be kidding me. What do you have to do to Tremere to keep this maniac down? Pacing back and forth, it doesn’t appear he’s going to leave the ring until they answer his challenge.
Tony: [Still under the desk] Let me know when it’s over.
Bytchoff: Down to ringside comes Mr. Batee’s entire security team along with Mr. Batee himself and let’s hear what the eWrestling.Org owner has to say.
Crowd: [Booing Batee’s arrival] Bat-hole! Bat-hole! Bat-hole!
Mr. Batee: Shut your mouth you London losers! [Staring across the ring] Look here Tremere, you can’t call out La Sombra but I’m going to tell you what I told everyone else, La Sombra is fired as a WeWA wrestler and he’s without a shadow of the doubt, not allowed to be inside a WeWA ring! But because he now has a valid manager’s license, there nothing I can legally do to the Mexican Wetback until La Sombra actually gets inside the ring and violates his manager’s agreement. So Tremere, from Dr. Frankenstein to the monster, I say let it go and at the next iPay Per View, I’ll make it so it will be, Tremere versus La Muerte inside a steel cage! No referee! No Pin falls! No count outs! In fact, the loser is going to be the person who says the thinkable words, “I QUIT!”
Crowd: [POP!] Trey! Trey! Trey!
Bytchoff: Are you kidding me? An “I quit” match between Tremere and La Muerte inside a steel cage? You might as well say fight to the death!
[As Mr. Batee exits under a barrage of garbage he turns back to Tremere one final time.]
Mr. Batee: And Tremere, before I forget, when your appetite for destruction is finally appeased, I hope you “Enjoy the Brutality!”
[Dropping the microphone, the ring is cleared and the show is once again taken over by the Host and Co-Host. Stepping over the top rope as “Hell’s around the corner” continues to play; Tremere methodically exits the London Arena.]
Tony: [Still under the table] Can I come out now?
Bytchoff: Would you get off my leg! This isn’t the McGreevy office you freak!
Tony: I’m not on your leg?
Bytchoff: [Looking under the table] AH! What the hell are you doing here Bud?
[Hopping out from under the table is Billy Ray’s midget friend Bud “The Drunken Midget” and he’s dressed up like a leprechaun. Stumbling from behind the announcer’s table and staggering into the ring, Bud slurs his words for the microphone.]
Bud: [Continuing to slur] Obsidian you ugly fuck are listening to me?
[Bud falls over but manages to stumble back upright with his fly undone.]
Bud: Billy told me to come out here and explain the rules of your match.
Tony: Rules?
Bytchoff: Apparently Obsidian has agreed to fight his portion of Critical Mass under any rules Billy Ray wants.
[Camera pans out to Bud who is now sleeping in the ring standing up.]
Tony: BUD!
Bud: [Startled] The fuck you waking me up for? Can’t you see… [Looking around] Oh yeah the stipulations. It’s a drunk and dangerous match! This means you must consume a six pack immediately before getting in the ring. And then every 5 minute, you have to do two shots of Southern Comfort! When the bottle is empty, it can be used as a weapon by whoever does the final shot!
Bytchoff: This is getting out of hands.
Tony: A drunk and dangerous match? What’s next!
Bytchoff: Apparent midget tossing.
Bud: Well I have to take a piss so fuck off you Euro-jerks.
Bytchoff: NOT IN THE RING BUD!
Bud: [Eyes half closed and making the motion to pull out the little snake] Oh yeah, sorry…
[Falling through the ropes with his pants around his ankles, Bud manages to make it into the back with some help from one of the ringside staffers.]
Bytchoff: Folks, it’s now time for Critical Mass! In front of us are four rings and in a matter of moments, six men will battle simultaneously not only for a championship belt, but for the rights to fight Mike Cavenaugh for his world title.
Tony: I can’t wait!
Bytchoff: You won’t have to Tony. Michael Stuffher is in the ring and it’s time for the introductions.
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is a WeWA original and its entitled Critical Mass! Around me are four rings and in three of the four, we will simultaneously run the American, BACW, and TV title matches. In ring number four, Mike Cavenaugh will await his opponents. In order to immediately wrestle Cavenaugh, you must first win your individual match. Once the world title has been decided, the other matches still in progress must continue but the winner will not get a chance to compete for the world title. Four rings! Three matches all at the same time! Win and immediately proceed to ring four for a chance to win the world title! Are you ready?
Crowd: [BIG POP!]
Stuffher: Entering the ring first he is the owner of National Flare Industries and is the current American Heavyweight champion! Ladies and gentlemen, Mathius dEE!!
[Climbing into the ring with his “Do it for Johnson” T-shirt, dEE removes his title belt and continues warming up.]
Bytchoff: Want to say anything about dEE?
Tony: Not really but I hear Scott DiBiase and Anthony have requested a plasma TV in their dressing room and are watching this match very close. Perhaps DiBiase is scouting Eddy Outlaw? Outlaw is the prototypical superstar.
Bytchoff: Speaking of new and improved forms of entertainment, it’s time for Eddy Outlaw!
[As Metallica’s “Better than You” sweeps into the London Arena, the crowd stands at attention for THE most popular athlete in sport entertainment to date.]
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at 297 pounds, and hailing from the Garden State of New Jersey. Tonight, he is escorted to the ring by the force behind the greatness Team Outlaw. Welcome the super sidekick Dakota Dave and the Black Knights BiAtch, CC! Together they are known as Team OUT-law!
[Parting the curtains to a thunderous roar, CC blows a kiss to the crowd and gives the index fingers to the back while Dakota Dave points the bling, bling, cattle prong.]
Stuffher: London-ites, and Lon-donians, he is "The Prototypical Superstar" and YOUR ICON. He's better than you… He is Eddy OUT-LAW!
[BOOM!] [BOOM!] [BOOM!] [BOOM!]
[Exiting the back with his tan body glistening in the lights, Outlaw looks into the camera and says…]
Eddy Outlaw: Don’t you ever forget, Eddy Outlaw is “Better than You”!
Bytchoff: You have to love Outlaw’s chances of not only coming out of Critical Mass with the American Heavyweight title, but the world title too.
Tony: One small problem with that Eric.
Bytchoff: What’s that?
Tony: Should anyone but Cavenaugh win the world title, they will have to immediately vacate the current belt they were holding.
Bytchoff: I hate that rule but you are correct Tony. The combatants for the American title match are in the ring but there are still four men to be introduced before we can begin.
Stuffher: Now making his way to the ring, the only WeWA athlete that spells his last name correctly! Standing at Five foot Eleven inches and weighing two hundred seventy seven pounds… From the MOTORCITY....MAGNUM RAN-DELL!
[Holding up signs that say, “It's RAN DELL!” and “Midgets are cool”, Magnum flips into ring number two and immediately climbs the turnbuckle for his pop.]
Bytchoff: Gyrating to the females in the audience, it’s apparent Magnum Randell is definitely WeWA’s male version of the heart throb.
Tony: I’m not going to sugar coat this because it doesn’t need to be. Randell was embarrassed and humiliated by the Black Knights two weeks ago. But throughout the weeks leading up to this match, he has remained true to his decision as to why he left the Black Knights in the first place. Bottom line, Magnum Randell doesn’t want anything to do with being in a team. In Randell’s world of good looks, there is an “I” in the way he spells team.
[With “Down” by 311 coming to a close, the crowd continues to boo as Jack Kraven is announced.]
Stuffher: Entering ring number TWO, standing six feet six inches tall, and weighing in at TWO hundred sixty five pounds, he wishes to be referred to as the BACW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, "BIG DADDY" JACK KRAVEN!
Crowd: [BOO!] Lackey Jack! Lackey Jack! Lackey Jack!
Bytchoff: Not everyone hates Jack. Look, there’s a kid holding up a “Jack Kraven IS BACW!” sign.
Tony: I think that’s Kraven’s little cousin.
Bytchoff: Is there no low Jack Kraven will not stoop to?
Tony: Apparently not.
Stuffher: And coming to ring third, he is the "King of Hardcore", "The ICON of Hardcore" and has dubbed himself "The Drunken One". Give it up for "The Drunken Bastard” Billy Ray.
Bytchoff: And here comes Billy Ray with his faithful followers Drunk and Dangerous and don’t forget Rose the Lawn Gnome.
Tony: Oh my god Bud just pulled down his pants and just...
[CENSORS BLEEP!!!]
Tony: …his lawn Gnome! Not even I’m that desperate!
Bytchoff: Speaking of desperate, where the hell is Billy?
Tony: Obsidian isn’t waiting for an introduction and he’s already in the ring drinking his six pack!
Bytchoff: He’s downing his suds like water and believe it or not folks a waitress has appeared at ringside with a bottle of Southern Comfort.
Tony: [Looking at the waitress] Excuse me, can I have a warm prune juice?
Bytchoff: Please Tony!
Tony: What?
Bythcoff: Obsidian seems a bit confused as is the Bartender and Bud. I don’t think they even know where Billy is!
Tony: Bud just threw up on Obsidian’s feet and the Mile High Monster is furious! Midget toss into The Bartender and down go both members of D&D.
Crowd: [POP!]
Bytchoff: Billy Ray from behind and he’s got the TV title in his hands!
[BAM!]
Bytchoff: Billy hits Obsidian over the head with his WeWA World Television Title and all three bells go off at the same time! Critical Mass is under way and here we GO!
Tony: Where’s Cavenaugh?
Bytchoff: I bet he wants to make a grand entrance and doesn’t want to get cold in the ring. OH! Ray with an inverted DDT and Obsidian is hurt! It’s on in ring number two!
Tony: In ring number one Dee is going to work on Eddy Outlaw with a quick rake of the eyes!
[Outlaw turns from the sting and as Dee moves in, Eddy fires back with a hard knife edge chop! Mathius grips his pecks from the sting and up into a fireman’s carry, Outlaw leans back into a merciless Samoan drop!]
Tony: Outlaw with his new move called “The Rockway” and my god does the Prototypical Superstar look super!
Bytchoff: Eddy Outlaw indeed has things under control in ring number one and in ring three; Jack Kraven just disrespected Magnum Randole with an open hand slap to the face!
Tony: Isn’t it Randill?
Bytchoff: Sign behind us says Ran-dell but what do the fans know. In the ring, Randell sees red and tries to slap Kraven back but Jack catches his hand in mid-swing. Short clothesline connects knocking Randell flat on his ass and this crowd is going wild!
Crowd: [BOO!]
[Up to the top rope and lowering the leg, Kraven unleashes the deadly Thunder Mountain leg drop and hooking the leg while Billy Ray delivers a head butt to the face of Obsidian, the referee counts Magnum Randell’s shoulder down for the 1… 2…]
Tony: THREE!!!!
Bytchoff: No! Kick out by Randell and Kraven can’t believe it! Magnum Randell is much smaller than Big Daddy but he’s definitely got the heart of a lion!
Tony: And the balls of a two ton elephant according to my sources!
Bytchoff: Way too much information Tony and will you do me a favor.
Tony: Sure.
Bytchoff: Wash your wrinkled up hands before you touch anything else on this desk.
[Back in ring number one, Eddy Outlaw is putting on a wrestling clinic courtesy of a nasty T-Bone suplex and dragging Dee to his feet, Outlaw unloads with a kick ass sidewalk slam!
Tony: Down goes Mathius dEE and this match is turning into a nightmare on Ed’s Street!
Tony: Mathius is getting his head handed to him and although I’m not surprised, Eddy Outlaw isn’t showing any signs of wear!
Bythoff: On the outside, Dakota Dave slides in a table and Eddy Outlaw’s eyes light up like a kid on Christmas who getting a red rider bee-bee gun with compass in it.
Tony: You’ll shoot your eye out!
Bytchoff: Scraping Dee off the canvas, Outlaw jams his head into his smooth, ripped thighs and pulling upward on the waist of the American Heavyweight champion, Mathius cries out.
Mathius Dee: [Wide eyed] NO!!!
Eddy Outlaw: It’s time to be enlightened!
[CRAAAACK!]
Bytchoff: Last Ride through the table and Eddy Outlaw is three counts away from becoming the new American Heavyweight champion for the second time since his return to the ring.
Referee: 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: NO! Outlaw lifts Dee up and he’s smiling at CC!
Tony: Why is he telling America’s Sweetheart to lean back?
[Dragging Dee to the ropes, CC leans back and slaps Mathius right in the face. Dakota Dave leans back and braining Dee in forehead, forces a gush of crimson to rain down the face of the champion.]
Bytchoff: Look in ring two! Obsidian just counter Billy Ray’s spear with an implant DDT! The Mile HIGH Monster is taking control and on the outside D&D seems to be worried.
Tony: I think they are feeling Billy Ray’s championship reign come to an end!
[German and dragon suplexes soften Ray’s skeletal structure and just as Obsidian is about to connect with a reverse neck breaker, the buzz sounds.]
Tony: Time to drink!
Bytchoff: Is this really necessary?
Referee: Let’s go guys; the match is stopped until someone finishes their shots.
Bytchoff: While Obsidian drinks his forced shots, this gives time for Ray to recover.
[Turning towards Obsidian, Ray connects with a low blow and then gauges the eyes of the challenger. Sucking down his Southern Comfort like a baby does his mother’s milk, Billy takes The Mile High Monster to the mat with a drunken neck breaker. Hooking the leg, Ray could shock the world.]
Bytchoff: 1… 2… This is it!
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: He did it! BILLY RAY PINNED DAVID VANCE!
Tony: Kick out by Obsidian and look at Kraven!
[Looking at the timekeeper, the referee signals for the match to continue and glancing at the World Hardcore championship ring, Jack Kraven’s brain buster has been countered with a Magnum Randell snap suplex!]
Bytchoff: For the first time since Critical Mass started, Randell now has the offensive and locking in an STF, the smaller Randell tries to wear down the bigger Jack Kraven. It’s a good strategy by Randell. He knows Kraven is bigger and stronger but on the canvas, they’re both the same size.
Tony: Sort of like in bed right?
Bytchoff: What?
Tony: You know when your…
Bytchoff: Whoa, wait a minute there Tony, this is a family show you cryptic
[Knowing Jack isn’t about to give up, Magnum changes his attack once Kraven is softened up. Off the canvas and into the center of the ring, Magnum plants Jack into the logo with a simple body slam.]
Bytchoff: Running towards the ropes and arching backwards with the aid of the second, Randell executes a textbook Randell-sault and hooking the leg for the 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: [Slapping Tony in the back of the head] The fuck man! Two! Can’t you count you Alzheimer asshole!
Tony: Eric, the censors!
Bytchoff: Fuck the [BLLLEEEEEEEPPPP!]
[Kicking out with ease, and Randell knows he’s in for a very long night as the focus goes back into ring number one. Right now Outlaw is having his way with Dee and as the referee kicks the pieces of the broken table to the floor of the arena, Dee surprises everyone by countering Eddy’s side suplex! Flipping over Outlaw’s shoulder and landing on his feet, Mathius drives downward into a slop drop and getting up covered in his own blood, begins to scream at CC.]
CC: [Pounding the apron] Come on Eddy!
Mathius: What do you think of Eddy now?
CC: [Manicured middle finger.]
Dakota Dave: [Pounding the prong on the apron] Come on Eddy! Git up!
Bytchoff: Stomps to the back of Eddy’s head mean Dee is getting a second wind and picking Outlaw off the canvas, Dee sets up a Matty Driver!
Tony: Dee pulls upward but he can’t get Outlaw into the air!
[Reaching up, Outlaw locks Dee’s blood crusted head and powering upright, counters the Matty Driver with a torture rack!]
Tony: Over the shoulder sit out slam and Eddy Outlaw is just too strong for Mathius Dee!
Bytchoff: Look out Ridgemont High, Eddy’s taking Mathius to school! Outlaw’s making the press! 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Outlaw lifted Dee up and can you believe that? Eddy Outlaw is playing with Mathius Dee!
[As Outlaw’s assault continues in ring number one, Billy Ray has stumbled into a figure four and is now taunting David Vance. Reaching out with hate filled eyes; Obsidian jams his thumb into eye socket of Ray forcing the hold to be broken. Off the canvas and into the ropes goes the Drunken One and getting knocked flat on his ass by a clothes line from hell, Obsidian grunts off the pain.
Bytchoff: Rotating Billy to his feet, Vance loops the champion’s arm over his head and leaning back, unloads a powerful vertical suplex!
Tony: Do the rock-a-way!
Bytchoff: Obsidian doesn’t release the hold and leans back again with another vertical suplex! Billy Ray arches his back in pain and Obsidian doesn’t seem to be affected by Ray’s earlier assault.
Tony: Off the logo and into the ropes, Ray bounces off the nylon and lifting his boot up into the face of the TV champion, Billy Ray eats canvas and this one’s over!
Bytchoff: 1… 2…
Tony: THREEE!!!
Bytchoff: Stupid is as stupid says, kick out by Billy Ray and…
[BUZZ!!!]
Billy Ray: [Through gritted teeth] It’s happy hour!
[Annoyed at the constant interference, Obsidian quickly makes his way to the shots and downing his poison, is once again attacked from behind! Applying the drunken sleeper, Ray squeezes tight while simultaneously biting the back of Obsidian’s bald head.]
Tony: Obsidian can’t fight the feeling anymore and falling to the canvas, Billy Ray goes for the cover!
Bytchoff: The referee is telling Ray he needs to drink his shots or forfeit the match! Ray has this match won and doing the shots, he makes another cover. 1… 2…
Tony: Kick out… No I mean THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Kick out Tony! [Tears] I’m so proud of you.
[In ring three, Jack Kraven is having trouble dealing with the speed of Magnum Randell and after a quick exchange of moves; Magnum is still the one in control of the offense. Pulling Kraven into the corner, Randell leaps up onto the top turn buckle and twirling his fingers in a circle, spins off the top into a 450 degree splash!]
Tony: Here comes the pain!
Bytchoff: Jack got his knees up and Jesus Christ, that had to hurt! Randell is kicking his feet in pain and you know that move to the stomach is going to effect his stamina!
Tony: From what the ladies tell me, Randell has plenty of stamina!
Bytchoff: There’s a small piece inside me that wants to know why you were talking to the ladies about Randell’s “performance” and then I remember it’s you and lose complete interest.
[Yanking Randell upright, Jack tosses him into the ropes with a commanding whip! Off the nylon fast and into the air, Kraven rotates his body into perfect position and falling backwards, drops Magnum right onto the turnbuckle!]
Bytchoff: Randell isn’t going to look pretty in the morning after that one! 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: A father can always dream. [Shakes his head]
Tony: [Smiling] What?
Bytchoff: You farted again didn’t you?
Tony: …
Bytchoff: [Forgetting Tony exists] Jack Kraven has completely snapped and as he applies his old night time finisher, the camel clutch! Magnum Randell is screaming for Kraven to break the hold!
Magnum: [Through gritted teeth] JAAAACK! Frieeeends! I’m sooo-orry!
Kraven: [Seeming confused] Magnum?
Bytchoff: Breaking the hold, Kraven starts pacing the ring like a caged Bengal tiger and pulling at his hair, bends down to give Magnum his hand.
Tony: What a guy! The Black Knights have become one once again! Kraven is helping an injured Magnum Randell up off the canvas and the crowd can’t stand it!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Bytchoff: JACK ATTACK!!! Jack wasn’t helping Randell, he was tricking him!
Tony: JACK ATTACK SLAM! THREE!!!
[As Kraven lifts Magnum in the air into the Jack Attack slam, Randell loops Jack’s head countering with a lightening quick tornado DDT!]
Bytchoff: Randell is furious and climbing the top ropes, the number one cruiserweight in the world comes down hard across the chest of Big Daddy with a killer dragon screw leg drop!
Tony: He’s signaling for the Dell-liverance frog splash!
Bytchoff: With Outlaw sidetrack by Dee, and Cavenaugh still in the back, Randell ascends top turnbuckle and looking into the cheering crowd, he can feel destiny waiting at his side!
Tony: He’s taking a leap of faith!
Bytchoff: DELL-LIVERANCE!!!
Tony: Magnum Randell is hooking the leg!
Bytchoff: One… two…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Magnum Randell has done it! He has won the BACW Heavyweight championship!
Randell: [Rolling over on his side and looking up at the lights] I did it!!!
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner by pin fall in ring number three, and new BACW Heavyweight champion; Magnum Ran-dell!
[Taking the championship belt while the other matches continue, Eddy Outlaw looks over and appears to be calling for an end to his utter destruction of Mathius dEE.]
Bytchoff: With Randell’s match done, we now await the entrance of the world champion who needs to begin defending his title. Where could Cavenaugh be? LOOK OUT!
Randell: [Now in ring number four and with a microphone in his hand] Cavenaugh! Win or lose, Magnum Randell isn’t afraid of you! Now get out here so I can make history of the history maker!
Bytchoff: From behind an angry and upset Jack Kraven attacks Randell from behind pounding his wild fists into the new champions face.
Kraven: [With every punch kick and bite] It’s MY belt! It’s MY belt! It’s MY belt!
Bytchoff: Jack Attack Slam on Randell and Kraven’s bringing in a table!
Kraven: [Cranking a limp Randell up into the air] It’s MY [CRACK!!!!] belt!
[Arching his back in pain on the rubble, Jack Kraven has completely snapped and as Magnum Randell lay unconscious in ring number four, Jack Kraven takes the BACW heavyweight title, strapping it around his waist.]
Bytchoff: I don’t think Jack understands he’s not the champion anymore.
Tony: He might have finally snapped! Look at him staring at his hands as he exits the arena,
Bytchoff: But where’s Cavenaugh?
[The lights fade as the melodic opening notes of “Dream On” by Aerosmith hit the speakers. A pair of spotlights, one ice blue and one emerald green, illuminate the entranceway, where the curtain remains closed. The first verse runs through without any interruption.]
Every time
That I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face
Getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by
Like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way?
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
[At the end of the first verse, both spotlights are replaced by crimson strobe lights. The curtain parts as the next line flows.]
Yeah, I know
Nobody knows
Where it comes and
Where it goes
I know
It's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know
How to win
[As the last two lines play, a single blood red spotlight illuminates the entrance way as the crimson strobe lights are replaced by the standard white strobe lights. Standing in front of the curtain, bathed in the eerie red glow, is the World eWrestling Alliance/eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight Champion: Michael “Snake Eyes” Cavenaugh. The World Heavyweight Championship is draped over Cavenaugh’s massive right shoulder. Snake is wearing his customary black jean shorts, his trademarked black motorcycle boots, and a pair of black biker gloves. The heavy brace on the right knee remains. The black and crimson hair of the champ is dripping wet, with the water cascading over his rippling body. Cavenaugh absorbs the mixed cheers and boos as the next verse hits.]
Half my life's
In books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools
And from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you
[Slowly, Cavenaugh makes his way to the ring, his head lowered. His steps are made with purpose, his stride meaningful. He is staring at the ring, entirely focused on yet another main event.]
Sing with me
Sing for the years
Sing for the laughter
And sing for the tears
Sing with me
If it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
[In the ring, Cavenaugh refuses to acknowledge the fans, staring instead at the fallen Randell. The song continues.]
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
And dream until your dream comes true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Bytchoff: It’s a damned good thing to see Cavenaugh in the ring again, with the World Championship. This is a brutal and demanding match tonight, and it would seem like no one has the Champion pegged to retain… but that’s just how he likes it.
Tony: Cavenaugh has never done anything the easy way, what makes you think he’d start now? Magnum Randell is out cold and right now, all Mike Cavenaugh has to do is cover him for the 1… 2… THREE…
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, before we introduce to you our FINAL competitor let me explain the remaining rules. Mike Cavenaugh’s world championship is now on the line and if a winner in rings one and two can pin their opponents before Cavenaugh’s match is over, they will get to join in the world title match! And now the introduction of the champion! He stands six feet, five inches tall and weighed in tonight at a trim two hundred and sixty three pounds. He is a member of the World eWrestling Alliance slash eWrestling dot Org Hall of Fame, a winner of the Grinder, and he has held the World Heavyweight Championship a staggering and record-setting ten times... please welcome, from Baltimore, Maryland by way of New York, New York… YOUR
REIGNING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…“THE HISTORY MAKER” MICHAEL “SNAKE EYES” CAVENAUGH!
Bytchoff: Cavenaugh just threw Magnum Randell over the top rope and he’s pointing to David Vance! Randell is still unconscious courtesy of the Jack Attack Slam and now he lies on the arena floor courtesy of Mike Cavenaugh! The World champion is so hell bent on becoming one of the greatest title holders of all time that he didn’t want the easy pin over Randell.
Tony: That could prove to be a costly mistake!
Cavenaugh: [Moving side to side in warm up fashion and giving a stern look] Come on mother fucker!
[Seeing the challenge issued by Cavenaugh, Vance snaps tearing into the injured Billy Ray with a body thudding slam! Off the canvas and into the ropes, Obsidian lifts the big boot…]
Obsidian: [Planting the big boot in the mush of Ray] Open wide you son of a bitch!
Bytchoff: David “Brodie” Vance connects and down goes Ray once again! Stomps to the stomach over and over and over again force Ray to vomit and I have a feeling Vance is setting up for mile high drop from the top!
Tony: DDT by Outlaw and the onslaught in ring one continues! Why isn’t Eddy going for the cover?
[Awesome neck breaker in the corner on Billy Ray, and the former world champion points to the top rope as the crowd cheers him on.]
Bytchoff: Here he goes!
Eddy: [In ring one with a cocky tone] Round UP!
Tony: Mile High Drop from the top!
Bytchoff: Obsidian is going to win and Outlaw has Dee in the Round UP! Canvenaugh is still pacing like a wild animal and if Vance and Eddy win, we are going to have Outlaw, Cavenaugh and Obsidian… OH MY!
Tony: T3 Termination on Billy Ray!
Bytchoff: One… Two…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: The Bartender breaks up the count and here comes Bud into the ring!
Tony: This isn’t the amazing race! Get out of the ring Bud!
Mathius dEE: [Bloody and battered] I GIVE UP! I QUIT! I QUUUIIITTT!!!
Bytchoff: Dee just gave up and look at Cavenaugh’s face! Now he’s going to have to deal with Eddy Outlaw and I bet the champion is wishing right now he would have pinned Magnum Randell about 10 minutes ago.
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the bout and new WeWA American Heavyweight champion; “Prototypical Superstar” Eddy Out-law!
[Outlaw takes Dee and tosses him into ring number four where Cavenaugh is all over him like flies on shit! Punches in bunches by Cavenaugh riddle Dee’s face and sliding in a barbwire table, Eddy gives Cavenaugh the code red! Opening up the barbwire covered table, everyone in the London Arena gets on their feet as…]
[CA-MOTHER-FUCKING-CRAAAAACK!]
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Tony: Dee has been torn to shreds by the Black Knights!
Bytchoff: Throughout the past three months Dee has campaigned against the Knights and tonight, they have finally shown him why they are the most dominant stable in the entire world!
Tony: You might win some of the battles hence the phrase “On any given Sunday”, but the Black Knights seem to always win the war!
Bytchoff: Mathius Dee is covered in a barbwire mass of extreme and as the seconds help carry a bloodied and battered Mathius Dee out of the ring, Obsidian is still taking on Drunk and Dangerous!
Tony: Obsidian rakes the eyes of the Bartender and bitch slaps Bud to the canvas! T3 on The Bartender! T3 once again on Billy Ray! Hooking the leg, Obsidian’s going to advance!
Bytchoff: One… Two…
Tony: THREE!!!
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match by pin fall, and new WeWA World Television champion; “The Mile HIGH Monster” Obsidian!
Bytchoff: Every title has changed hands tonight with the exception of the eWrestling.Org World championship and if there ever was a time for Cavenaugh to lose, it’s certainly now!
Tony: Cavenaugh can’t take it and he’s diving into ring number two!
Bytchoff: It’s the clash of the titans as Obsidian and Cavenaugh engage in a fist a cuff of epic proportions!
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Back and forth and rolling on the canvas with hate seething from every pore in their collective bodies, it’s Obsidian who gains the upper hand with a knee to the nose!
[With his vision blurred, Cavenaugh swings his fist but Obsidian easily dodges the punches. Boot to the stomach of the world champion. Butterfly of the arms! T3 Termination…]
Tony T-THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Outlaw from behind with a double axe handle to the back of Obsidian’s head saves the champion from certain defeat and look at the new American Heavyweight champion unload with punches in bunches!
[As Cavenaugh slithers into the corner in an attempt to clear his eyes, Outlaw takes the offensive tossing the mile high monster around the ring with T-Bone, Belly to Belly suplexes and his patented side Texan leg sweep!]
Bytchoff: Angle slam hits the mark and hooking the leg for the 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Obsidian kicks out and Mike Cavenaugh is still in the corner trying to clear his eyes!
Tony: Where’s Magnum Randell?
Bytchoff: Randell is out of our view but I assume he’s still knocked out on the concrete.
[Pulling Obsidian from his feet, Outlaw sends the Television champion into the ropes with a hard Irish whip! Off the nylon and into the center of the ring, Outlaw bends over for a back body drop and Obsidian kicks him dead in the face!]
Bytchoff: Ouch that had to hurt!
Tony: Obsidian cradles Eddy’s head and arm!
Bytchoff: Snake Byte on Eddy Outlaw by the mile high monster! It’s the ultimate insult! Up to the top rope goes the TV champion and leaping into the air, Outlaw is crushed under a mile high drop from the top!
Tony: I smell the T-THREE!!! Termination!!!
Bytchoff: Obsidian isn’t going for his finisher! Instead he’s going for the win!
Tony: Here’s the cover and the count!
Bytchof: One… Two…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Diving elbow to the side of the Obsidian’s head stops the count and Cavenaugh’s just saved his title by ½ a second!
Tony: He saved Outlaw not his title!
Bytchoff: Wake up and smell the ego Tony, mark my words, Cavenaugh’s not concerned with Outlaw’s friendship when the belts on the line. Don’t you watch his interviews or did you miss his entire dealings with Magnum Randell?
[Pulling Obsidian off the mat, Cavenaugh tosses the mile high monster into the ropes and coming off hard, the powerful world champion muscles the big man up into a back body drop. Stumbling into the corner, Obsidian puts up his guard but Cavenaugh dives in with a stinger splash! Obsidian wobbles in the corner and Cavenaugh puts the TV champ flat on his ass with a stunner!]
Bytchoff: Out of the ring and through the ropes, Obsidian hits the floor with a thud and forgetting about the injured Eddy Outlaw, Mike is looking to get extreme!
Tony: Cavenaugh’s pulling back the small mats and exposing the cold concrete! He wouldn’t!
Bytchoff: Why not!?
Tony: Twisting upside down and rotating in a 360 degree, the world champion connects with a brutal swinging neck breaker and Obsidian appears to be out cold!
Bytchoff: Cavenaugh is calling for a concrete pile driver and if he hits this, it’s all but academic! Jamming Obsidian’s head better his legs, Cavenaugh cranks up the TV champ into vertical position!
Tony: Super kick by Magnum Randell to the solar plexus of Cavenaugh forces the world champion to safely drop Obsidian to the cement! Magnum Randell is up and look at him go to work!
Bytchoff: He’s on fire!
[Rolling Mike back into the ring, Randell follows as Outlaw gets to his feet. Snap down stunner on Eddy sends the American Heavyweight champion flat on his back! Death Valley driver on Cavenaugh knocks the champion for a loop!]
Bytchoff: Randell’s on fire!
Tony: Mu hemorrhoids are on fire!
Tony: Body slamming both Black Knights in the center of the ring while Obsidian is still trying to recover from the brutal neck breaker, Magnum sprints towards the nylon and spring boarding backwards off the second rope, Randell connects with a high arching Magnum-sault!
Tony: Why isn’t he going for the cover?
Bytchoff: He wants to kick Cavenaugh’s ass!
Tony: I don’t blame him!
Bytchoff: This week Cavenaugh called Outlaw a tool but as you can see from the actions inside the ring, tonight isn’t about whose better overall; it’s about whom was better tonight! Who wants it more! Who needs the title!
Tony: Magnum is going up to the top rope and his signaling for his DELL-Liverance finisher!
[WHACK!]
[Still wearing the BACW championship belt, Jack Kraven rocks Magnum Randell’s spine with a chair shot from hell! Fall face first into the ring, Jack Kraven enters the squared circle like a Mike Johnson 18 wheeler on crack.]
Bytchoff: JACK ATTACK! Kraven’s got the Jack Attack on Randell and the referee is screaming for Jack Kraven to get the hell out of the ring.
Tony: Kraven kicks the referee in the stomach and down goes the man in stripes!
Bytchoff: It’s cluster fuck time!
Tony: Kraven is refusing to release the Jack Attack and my god, someone help Magnum Randell before Jack Kraven kills him!
Bytchoff: Obsidian’s up!
[Barreling into the ring with a grimace of hate, Obsidian spears Eddy Outlaw through the ropes into ring number two shocking Outlaw with a no hands head butt! Off the canvas and into a tombstone, Outlaw’s legs shakes from the impact leaving him flat on his back. On the outside CC faints and Dakota Dave can’t get into the ring.]
Bytchoff: Mile High drop from the top!
Tony: Butterfly of the arms!
Bytchoff: T
Tony; THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Termination… and this one’s over! Obsidian hooks the leg but there’s no referee to count!
Crowd: [POP!]
Tony: I see someone coming down the isle! Oh my God! It’s Ryan Rhodes and he’s got a referee’s shirt on!
Bytchoff: Diving into the ring, Rhodes pounds the canvas for the 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: Do you believe in miracles? Obsidian has just pinned Eddy Outlaw and we have a brand new eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight champion! Obsidian has done it again!
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match by pin fall and NEW eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight champion, “The Mile High Monster” David “Obsidian”…
[Before the word Vance can be uttered, the original referee stops ring announcer Michael Stuffher from making the official announcement.]
Obsidian: [Throwing the championship belt onto Outlaw] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Bytchoff: Fans, I’m not sure what’s going on but Michael Stuffher is getting an earful from head referee Mario Lane. Let’s go to the ring to find out what’s going on.
Stuffher: It has come to my attention that pin falls and submissions MUST occur in ring number four! Therefore, the official referee is not only banning Ryan Rhodes from the building for the remainder of the match, but is also, ordering this match to be restarted!
Bytchoff: Cavenaugh from behind with a donkey punch on Obsidian! German suplex follows on the former world champion!
Tony: He’s going for the Snake Byte there’s nothing and no one who’s going to stop him!
Bytchoff: Snake Byte! Snake Byte! SNAAAAAKE BYTE!!!
Tony: Cavenaugh’s going for the win!
Bytchoff: 1… 2…
Tony: THREE!!!
Bytchoff: I don’t believe it! Mike Cavenaugh has defended his eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight championship!
Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the contest and still eWrestling.Org World Heavyweight champion. WeWA’s Living Legend! Michael “Snake Eyes” Cavenaugh!
[Pulling the title from the referee’s hands, Jack Kraven who has left Magnum Randell for dead in the other ring hugs his fellow Black Knight brother. Outlaw is now up and positioning themselves in the center of the ring over the unconscious David Vance, all three men hold up title belts.]
Bytchoff: Folks, whether you like it or not, these three men have dominated Critical Mass and more important than anything else, they have shown unity! Through all the nonsense Mr. Batee has put them through; these three men have stuck together without sacrificing their vows to each other.
Tony: They are married?
Bytchoff: Who is going to get in the way of the Black Knights? Who can break up the team that apparently cannot be broken up?
[Just then “Welcome to the Jungle” blares and Mr. Batee appears at the top of the ramp. Smiling without giving off a good vibe the eWrestling.Org owner bellows into the microphone.]
Mr. Batee: So ya all think your one? Think ya can’t be broken, shaken or stirred? Well someone take a fucking picture, because after tonight, you aren’t going to see the Black Knights as a team any longer!
Michael Cavenaugh: [Without a microphone.]Yes you will you fucking cum stain of a troll.
Mr. Batee: See Mike – I owe Eddy Outlaw a favor because from what the doctors tell me in the back, Mathius Dee has suffered broken ribs, pulled ligaments, and a severe concussion. Nice job Outlaw, and because you held up your end of the bargain, it’s time for me to hold up mine. At our next iPay Per View entitled, “Unforgiven” it’s going to be Eddy Outlaw, against Michael Snake Eyes Cavenaugh, in a no holds barred, HELL IN A CELL!
Crowd: [POP!]
Bytchoff: Wow what an announcement! I guess Batee figures this is the only way he can get the Knights apart. Divide and conquer.
Tony: I can’t wait to see The Outlaw and the The History Maker for the world championship one more time!
Mr. Batee: Oh and Mike, should you lose your world title before Unforgiven, in an attempt to ruin my plans, then you my friend, will be placed inside that Hell in a Cell against the man lying at your feet. Yes my friend, “The Mile High Monster” OBSIDIAN!!! And just to make things interesting, should Dave defeat you at Unforgiven, I’m going to make him the official number one contender! But Dave won’t have to wait for the next iPay Per View to get his chance. Because as they’re carrying you out, whoever is the current world champion, is going to be put back in!
Crowd: [POP!]
Michael Cavenaugh: [Middle finger] Fuck you Bats! I’ll take anyone one!
Bytchoff: Hearing that, Eddy Outlaw turns to Jack Kraven and nodding his head, Team Outlaw exits the ring without Kraven and Cavenaugh.
[Looking back, Outlaw has these words for Mike and Jack.]
Eddy Outlaw: Friends and Knights until the end, but at Unforgiven when the “Prototypical Superstar” meets “The History Maker”, it’s going to be Eddy Outlaw who walks out of that ring, as World Heavyweight champion!
Dakota Dave: Simply The Best Mike! He’s Simply the Best!
CC: [Rubbing Eddy’s American Heavyweight belt] Uh huh…
Michael Cavenaugh: [Nodding and pointing to his Black Knight T-shirt, Cavenaugh simply smiles without uttering a single word.]
Bytchoff: That’s it folks! We are out of time! So on behalf of Tony Salami, WeWA, eWrestling.Org and Mr. Batee, we bid you good night from London England!
[The lights fade for the final time as the melodic opening notes of “Dream On” by Aerosmith hit the speakers. A pair of spotlights, one ice blue and one emerald green, illuminate Cavenaugh and Kraven, as the crowd continues to boo. The Black Knights are still very much together, but how much longer will it last?]
Every time
That I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face
Getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by
Like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way?
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
[Climbing the turnbuckles with his world title still around his waist, Cavenaugh smirks into the crowd. On the opposite turnbuckle, Kraven is still toting the BACW Heavyweight championship belt.]
Yeah, I know
Nobody knows
Where it comes and
Where it goes
I know
It's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know
How to win
[The black and crimson hair of the champ is dripping wet, with the water cascading over his rippling body and his massive muscles are full of blood.]
Half my life's
In books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools
And from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you
[Slowly, Cavenaugh and Kraven exit the ring. Both men’s steps are made with purpose, their stride unified. Staring back at the ring at the fallen Obsidian, the mile high monster can only slump back into the corner as his shot to reclaim what he feels is rightfully his vanishes once again.]
Sing with me
Sing for the years
Sing for the laughter
And sing for the tears
Sing with me
If it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
[Before leaving the London Arena, Jack Kraven turns staring at the fallen Randell as the song brings this show to an end.]
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
And dream until your dream comes true
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
end iPPV