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April 1, 2007
Welcome to Kissimmee, Florida!
EWrestling.Org Presents GRINDER IX!
Exiting the bus
Opening Match: Chris Ross vs. Particle Man
[With chants of “You’re Hardcore” in the background, “Hey Man Nice Shot” is accompanied by Chris Ross’s maniacal laughter. With the lights completely out and one single spot following Ross the ring, you get a really bad feeling he’s not in a very good mood.]
Michael Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kissimmee Florida! And, welcome to BACW’s 2007 Grinder!
Crowd: [YEAH!] [Stomping in unison]
Stuffher: Our opening bout is scheduled for one fall, and will hold a 30 minute time limit. Entering the ring, from Honolulu, Hawaii! This is “Krazy” Chris Ross!
Crowd: [BOO!]
Fan: [Screaming two inches from Chris’s face] Coconut head!
Chris Ross: ARGH!!! [Tears up the sign and enter the ring.]
Crowd: ASS-HOOOLE! ASS-HOOOLE! ASS-HOOOLE!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Chris Ross: [Deep maniacal laughter]
Promo: As Chris Ross starts to warm up inside the ring, let me introduce to you my very late co-host for tonight’s show, and current radio talk show host of his own show, “Easy” Eric Danger.
Eric Danger: I can’t control traffic Promo and it’s not my fault that everyone and their mothers decided to leave their houses at the exact same time as I did. What was I supposed to do, not brush my teeth?
Promo: [Sniff] Have you been drinking?
ED: [Wobbling side to side in his seat] All night long with your mother hot shot! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Promo: [Throwing his arms up in the air] Fantastic! [Shuffles his papers] Folks, while E.D. gets his act together, let’s talk about Chris Ross and what he wants to accomplish this time around in BACW. From my conversation with Ross before the show, winning tonight’s Grinder would be the highlight of his career, but with so many talented people being locked inside the cage this year’s cage with him, do you really think Ross has a chance. What do you think E.D… is he setting the bar too high?
E.D.: [Slowly blinking] First of all, it’s a blood match right?
Promo: Yes.
E.D.: …and you really don’t have to be all that talented to win a blood match right?
Promo: I wouldn’t go that far, there are certain strategies you have to…
E.D.: Don’t over think this Promo… [Holds up two fingers] Second, this guy Ross has brain that’s about the size of a handball.
Promo: Maybe a walnut, it’s hard to tell but go on.
E.D.: Chris Ross is going to win Grinder and you heard it right here from easy Eric Danger!
Promo: Remind me to never take up drinking.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
[As Pyrotechnics explode above the ring, cabling in from the arena ceiling with his cape flapping in the wind, Particle Man makes one of the most Grande entrances we will ever see this time of year.]
Crowd: [YEAH!]
E.D.: Holy shit! The Komies are dropping from the sky like rice balls!
[Danger goes under the table obviously having a flashback from his tour in Vietnam. Peaking out, Promo holds a pistol close to his face.]
E.D.: Five Bravo Niner! Five Bravo Niner! We are under attack…
Promo: Is that a gun!?
[Dropping into the ring with blue spotlights still spinning all around the ringside area, BACW's resident superhero falls to one knee with a hall of justice pose. Removing his cape and scouting the area for evil villains, his introduction continues.]
Stuffher: Now in the ring from Marvelous, DC… soaking wet he is 98 pounds of pure Particle Man!
Crowd: [YEAH!]
Promo: [Waiting for Eric to get up from under the table] The strategy during the match for Particle Man has to remain basic for him to be even close to successful inside the ring against Chris Ross.
ED: [Peek-a-boo boxing motion] Stick and move type of stuff Promo. Stick and move!
Promo: I agree Eric but the problem with that kind of thinking is even Chris Ross knows what’s coming.
[Barreling across the ring as Particle Man removes his cape, Ross charges hard!]
Ross: ARRRGH!!!!
Promo: Particle Man bails from the combat zone through the ropes and tripping over his cape, he awkwardly falls onto the small mats with a clumsy thump!
Crowd: You f’d up! You f’d up! You f’d up!
ED: Seriously Promo, I would run if I was Particle Man too.
Particle Man: [Sprinting around the ring] LEAVE ME ALONE EVIL VILLIAN!
[Chasing Particle Man around the ringside area, the larger Ross has to stop to catch his breath. Sliding into the ring and coming back through the ropes with a baseball slide…]
Ross: UGH!
Promo: Particle Man sends Chris Ross into the railing with a clang!
E.D.: Look out! Here comes Particle Man over the ropes with a soaring springboard moonsault!
Crowd: NO!
Promo: Ross caught the little guy in mid air!
Particle Man: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
[THUMP!]
Particle Man: ARUGH!
Crowd: OH!
Promo: Power slam into the steel post and crumpling to the small mat, Particle Man is hurt badly!
Ross: [Laughter]
[Staggering to his feet, and leaning up against the post, Ross sees an opportunity to win, and barreling forward, Particle Man moves out of the way leaving Ross to collide with a immovable post.]
E.D.: Face first into the post and Promo, the post didn’t even move!
Promo: They usually don’t E.D.!
[Ross staggers backwards from the immovable object and shaking his head...]
E.D.: I can’t believe he didn’t go down! He’s charging Particle Man again!
Particle Man: [Dropping low] WHOA!
[CLUNCK!]
Ross: UGH!
Crowd: OOO!
Promo: Drop toe hold counter by our superhero sends Ross face first onto the steel stairs and I STILL don’t believe it, Ross is getting up AGAIN!
E.D.: He’s as tough as my ex-wife!
Promo: This guy doesn’t know the meaning of the word pain.
Ross: [Shaking off the hurt] NO!
[Ross topples the top section of the stairs to the ground in frustration and turning back to look for his opponent, Particle Man is caught when his sunset flip off the apron goes wrong. Ross immediately tries to pound Particle Man with an Alabama slam onto the stairs but Particle counters with a sit down 180 pile driver!]
Crowd: WOW!
Promo: You have to be kidding me!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
E.D.: Hey Promo, does my breath still smell like booze because if it does…
Promo: What?
E.D.: Open your nostrils…
Promo: Don’t get that close to me are you crazy?!
E.D.: What about if I lick my finger and hold it to you nose?
Promo: Would you watch the match!
Particle Man: [Hooking the leg] Count him senior official!
ED: Particle is going for the win!
Referee: [Outside the ring count] 1… 2… THRE…
Crowd: 1… 2… 3…
Ross: NO!
Crowd: OH!
Promo: Tossing Particle Man off his body like a rag doll into the already dented railing, Chris Ross has just snapped…
Ross: DEEEEAD!!!! ARGH!!!! ARGHH!!!!
ED: Just? The man was three cookies shy of a baker’s dozen when he entered the ring about 15 minutes ago.
[CLANGK!]
Promo: I can’t disagree with you there Eric and look out, Ross has just tossed a section of steel stairs inside the ring. Hurling the injured Particle Man through the ropes and following with hate in his eyes, Ross is motioning for a power bomb!
ED: On the steel stairs?
Promo: My God no!
[Jamming Particle Man’s head between his thighs, Ross cranks up his opponent into power bomb position and...]
[CLANK!]
Ross: ARGH!
Crowd: YEAH!
Promo: Particle Man counters with a whirly bird head scissor sending Ross careening into the section of stairs that he brought into the ring! Particle Man is countering Ross at will but what’s going to happen when one of his counters doesn’t work?
ED: Death?
[Making the press, Particle Man looks for the referee to give him the 1… 2… 3… but Chris Ross fights to roll his shoulders off the canvas in time.]
Finish Match
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