[Particle Man vs. Sam Natas]
Time: 10:00 PM [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Michael Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Phoenix Arizona and welcome to BACW’s pay per view, Last Rites! Crowd: YEAH! [POP!] [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Michael Stuffher: Our first contest of the evening will be one fall to a finish but it will also have some very special stipulations. Inside the ring are two cages that will be dangled from the arena ceiling, one will hold Universe Man, the other Blood Thrilla! Crowd: [Stomping in place] Michael Stuffher: The object of this match is to climb this15 foot high pole in the corner, retrieve the key, and gain a pin over your opponent. Once you release your partner, they can help you obtain the fall! Crowd: YEAH! [POP!] [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Stuffher: About to enter the arena from the dirty pits of Arkansas, accompanied by his son Blood Thrilla, he is evil, Sam, God Damn Natas! Crowd: You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! [With Let’s Go to War by the Murder Dolls coming to a fade, the announcer’s take over the show while Blood Thrilla and Sam Natas continue playing to the crowd.] Crowd: You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! You’re hardcore! Promo: I’m completely against these guys being locked into cages; it’s just not right Darrel! Besolve: First of all, The Superheroes almost ruined the barbwire battle royal last month by cheating and you can’t blame Batee for wanting to keep that big oaf Universe Man out of the match. Also keep in mind Promo, Sam Natas probably has his son ready at ringside with his sledge hammer if things were to get out of control. Bottom line is you have two teams that can’t be trusted to keep this match a one on one contest, so in my opinion, the cage is very much needed. There’s only one referee Paul and he can’t see it all. Promo: I hate to admit it, but you do have a point. Besolve: Of course I do. Stuffher: Ready to come down the isle, from The City, weighing in at nearly 100 pounds, and accompanied to the ring by Universe Man… Here he is to save the day… Particle Man! Crowd: YEAH! [Flash into the back where Particle Man, along with his trusty sidekick Universe Man are walking down the hall towards the curtain. Well actually, Universe Man is doing the walking while Particle Man rides atop Universe Man on his shoulders. Particle Man nervously tapping his fingers on Universe Man’s head looking all around the hall.] Particle Man: Where is that no-good purple-haired Grimace? We have a match and he told me he would fix everything with Mister Batee so that I would have a safe and fair fight with the Evil One. Alas, the cages are still in the ring and the fans are in grave danger. I knew better than to trust Grimace. He is probably off somewhere making a mockery of me and giggling like a school girl. Seems like I must look injustice straight in the eye, and tell injustice, “You will not prevail”! I shall make you cower fore I am a more powerful. I am… Particle Man! [Particle Man’s music continues to play, as the dynamic duo reaches the curtain. Universe Man reaches up to part the curtain, when they are stopped by the voice of The Spectre.] Spectre: Particle Man, Particle Man! WAIT! [Universe Man and Particle Man turn and see Spectre frantically running down the hall toward them. He reaches them apparently out of breath.] Particle Man: What news have you, oh purple-haired one? Have you triumphed in your mission? Did you use your mastery of mind games to convince Mr. Batee to change the stipulations of my match? Did you find the person who wrote that letter? Do you know the meaning of life? Spectre: Do I know the meaning of what?! Look, it took a lot out of me. Mr. Batee IS a powerful man, you know. He has dealt with a lot of smooth-talkers and verbal bullshit over the years. It’s as if he has almost become immune to that powerful method people try to use on him. Particle Man: I see. You were not successful as we had anticipated, were you? Spectre: On the contrary my pint-sized friend. I took care of everything! You will no longer have to be concerned about the citizens sitting at ringside during this match. I have convinced Mr. Batee, through persuasiveness and a cunning tongue, to change the stipulations of your match. The referee is being notified as we speak. [Particle Man smiles greatly, and nods his head in approval.] Particle Man: You have done well, Grimace. Universe Man and I thank you for turning away from your bad deeds and disturbing acts toward humanity to help out the world’s greatest superheroes. Sepctre: [Spectre lowers his head, feeling rather ashamed.] Thank you, Particle Man. Thank you for allowing me to help you. [Particle Man reaches over and touches Spectre’s hair, causing Spectre to look up at him.] Particle Man: All in a day’s work, Grimace. You know, if there were more people like you, who realized the futility of their evil ways. If everyone stopped to think that the bad things they were doing to one another, the hatred they have for one another, the disgusting lies they tell, the double life they lead- if EVERYONE in the world saw that these things are the cause for the evil in this world, and made an effort to JUST BE GOOD… this world would be a better place. [Spectre lowers his head in shame again.] Particle Man: Thank you again, Grimace. [Particle Man raises his hand high in the air, pointing his finger towards the sky, and yells.] Particle Man: Onward, my trusty sidekick, evil Sam awaits us! [Universe Man steps through the curtain with Particle Man, leaving Spectre alone by the curtain, his head is still lowered. Slowly, very slowly, he raises his head, and looks at the curtain. A sick, devious smile emerges on his face, and he begins to laugh.] Spectre: Hehehehehehehehehe… Oh, you’re welcome, Particle Man. YOU’RE…VERY… WELCOME!! HEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHE. [As “Particle Man” by They Might Be Giants plays over the loudspeaker, the “Particle Signal” flashes on the Oval-tron calling to arms BACW’s protector of justice. Through the tunnel, out comes Particle Man riding on the shoulders of his mammoth sidekick Universe Man. Pointing towards the ring, he gives his trusty sidekick directions.] Particle Man: I smell danger, forward Universe Man before it’s too late! [Nodding his head, Universe Man bounds towards the ring with his hands extended in flying position.] Promo: Well I’m not sure what took the Dynamic Duo so long to get out here but there they are, and bailing from the ring, Sam Natas just doesn’t know what to make of this guy. Sam Natas: [Pointing to Particle Man] I’m going to break your ass in half super boy! Crowd Chants: Sam is gonna kill you! Sam is gonna kill you! Sam is gonna kill you! Promo: Natas completely baffled. Besolve: Of course he is! The man is battling soda machines, breaking into Batee’s office, handling bloody letters, what’s next; helping an old lady across the street? Particle Man: [Whispering to the referee] Young citizen, I was told Mr. Batee was to remove the cages. Referee: Sorry Particle, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Particle Man: Grimace! Referee: Who? Promo: Folks, for some reason Particle Man is arguing with the ref and I’m not quite sure what he is saying. Particle Man is pointing to the cages and Universe Man is trying to calm him down. Besolve: Maybe Universe Man is worried that he can’t fit? Promo: Very funny Darrel! Particle Man: Authority figure, please hear me out, the fans are in danger! I was assured for their safety the cages were not to be used. Weren’t you told of the danger that awaits the fans if 300 pounds of Universe Man were to fall on them from the ceiling? Universe Man: Me too big. Fans go splat. Particle Man: I told you not to super size that meal UM! Universe Man: Me sorry. Referee: I have no idea what you two are talking about, but if your partner doesn’t get into the cage, I’m going to have no choice but to disqualify you. Rules are rules Particle Man, you should know that better than anyone else in his federation. Sam Natas: [From the outside of the ring] Get that fat f-cking bastard in the cage! The time for talking has come to an end; let’s do this god damn thing! Particle Man: I’m sorry old chum, but the referee is right, rules are rules and we must not break them. Universe Man: You say, I go. Promo: Universe Man is getting inside the cage, and Particle Man looks completely out of his game plan. I wonder what happened in the back before he came out here. It’s like someone was tinkering with Particle Man’s strategy. Besolve: If Particle Man was smart, he would have never come to the ring. Promo: Why is that? Besolve: Sam Natas looks like a hungry dog that has just been thrown some raw meat and with Universe Man out of the way, Particle Man’s chances of winning are slim to none, and Paul, slim just left the building! [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Besolve: Strike up the band; it’s time to get this show on the road. Sam Natas: You’re mine little man! I’m cracking you neck in half, and tearing out your spine! Screw you Particle Man, you’re looking at the mother fucking anti-Christ! Universe Man: Particle Man, up here! Use your super speed! [Natas can’t take it any longer and hearing the bell, charges forward but Particle Man somersaults to safety.] Crowd: WHOA! Sam Natas: Get over here boy or I’m going to make the Hills have Eyes look like a fucking Disney film. ARRGH!!!! Besolve: Particle Man looks like he’s running for his life! What kind of Superhero is that? Promo: He’s not running Darrel; he’s trying to tire the big man out. Particle Man’s only asset is speed and if he can stick and move, he just might be able to pull this off! Besolve: Sam closes the gap again but Particle Man dives through his legs and wow he’s quick!! Promo: It seems Sam Natas and Particle Man are in a cat and mouse game and all Particle Man has to worry about is there aren’t any mouse traps in Sam’s strategy. Besolve: Particle Man needs to out wit and out play this much bigger opponent and as they race around the ringside area, Particle Man reenters the squared circle under the bottom ropes. Natas continues to close the distance and it looks like Particle Man is trying to exit once again. Natas: [Grabbing Particle Man before he can make it through the ropes] I got ya! Particle Man: E-gads! NO! Promo: Natas has Particle Man by the tights and pulling him back through the ropes, Particle Man shakes his head no! Particle Man: Citizen, the fans are in danger! Sam Natas: So are you! [Hard lefts by Natas rock the superhero’s equilibrium and tossing Particle Man into the ropes; here comes Particle Man on the rebound!] Promo: Sam raises the big boot but Particle Man drops down into a split. Holy Elastic Man, what a stretch! Besolve: Quick leg sweep by Particle Man from his back on the winded Father of Evil and falling flat on his ass, Particle Man sees an opening for some offense! Promo: Particle Man with the cover. Referee: One... Two… Promo: Kick out by Natas and folks, Particle Man has outsmarted his opponent but unfortunately his opponent isn’t even close to hurt. Sam Natas: [Limping to his feet] No fucking way little man! Promo: Here comes Natas with hate in his eyes. Sam Natas: GRRRR!!! [Opening his hand, Natas dares Particle Man to engage in a test of strength but the superhero isn’t buying it.] Particle Man: Should I do it fine citizens? Crowd: NO! [Particle Man looks to the audience for help and Sam Natas takes advantage of the distraction.] Besolve: Fast rake to the eyes and back into the corner, Natas slams his forehead into Particle Man’s face! Sam turns up the heat looking for a choke slam and something tells me Particle Man isn’t in Kansas anymore! Promo: Particle Man’s going for the ride! Up and… Crowd: OH! Sam Natas: AAARGH!!! Besolve: Particle Man counters with a sleeper hold and Sam is stunned! He can’t shake the little nutcase off his back and wandering around the ring like a nomad, this might be all she wrote. Natas: ARRRGGGHH!!!! [THUMP!] Particle Man: UGH! Promo: Backing up into the corner and squashing his opponent against the turnbuckles, Particle Man wilts from Sam’s back and this can’t be good. Besolve: Natas looks like he’s mad enough to kick the cat, and unfortunately for Particle Man, he’s the only thing in the ring that’s about that size. [Back up into the opposite corner, Natas tosses his long curly hair to the side, and charging forward, delivers a testicle crunching punt to the scrotum of Particle Man.] Crowd: OH! Promo: Particle Man is shaking his head no? Besolve: He’s not human! Paul, the man was just kicked in the nuts and he’s still standing! [Reaching into his tights, Particle Man pulls out a protective cup, and Sam Natas is livid!] Besolve: Particle Man pulls off the balls of steel, and listen to the crowd cheer! Crowd: PM! PM! PM! [Tossing Natas the cup, Particle Man goes low with a drop kick to the ankle and mounting Sam, the superhero gives Sam the Gas Mask!] Promo: Particle Man is holding the cup that was on his sweaty balls just moments ago over Sam’s mouth and folks, Natas is gagging like he was just sprayed in the face with tear gas. Besolve: I think it’s safe to say Particle Man never takes off his uniform or that cup! [Staggering around the ring with tears flowing from his eyes, Natas is helpless to block Particle Man’s UFC style kicks to his massive thighs.] Besolve: Particle Man is chopping down the red wood! Promo; Rapid fire Bruce Lee punches to the ribs by Particle Man but Natas is still standing! Wobbling back and forth, Particle Man ascends the turnbuckle, and leaping through the air with the greatest of ease, oh no, Sam catches him midair preventing the superman plunge from taking him off his feet. Besolve: Natas presses Particle Man into gorilla press slam position, and hurling the little man over the top rope! Particle Man: CATCH ME!!!! Promo: Particle Man disappears into the crowd! Crowd: OH!! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Bad ASS Wrestling! Sam Natas: [Screaming into the audience] B-A-C-FN-DUB-YA! Crowd: YEAH! Promo: The crowd has become unglued and Natas is now climbing the pole! He’s going for the key and if he gets it, something tells me this situation is going to go from bad to worse for Particle Man. Besolve: Normally this takes a few tries, but folks Particle Man is still amongst the fans not moving, and as the security guards attempt to help him back over the railing, NATAS HAS THE KEY!!!! [Jumping down from the turnbuckle, Sam exits the ring and just as he’s about to put the key into the machine to lower his partner…] [CRACK!] Crowd: NO! Ass-hooole! Ass-hooole! Ass-hooole! Promo: Folks, BACW’s Heavyweight champion The Spectre has come down to the ringside area and my God, he has just leveled Sam Natas with one of the nastiest chair shots I have seen in a very long time! With Sam knocked silly, Spectre has the key and he’s giving it to Particle Man! Crowd: BOO! [POP!] Besolve: Up the isle and cackling all the way to the curtain, Spectre has just changed the entire outcome of this match and good lord all mighty, look at the blood pouring from Sam’s forehead. [Pointing to the cage, the crowd cheer as Universe Man is being lowered to the arena floor. Natas looks up through his crimson mane and getting prepared for battle, Particle Man digs in.] Promo: With the cage now on the ground Universe Man leaps out and Natas growls at The Superheroes!] Besolve: The Father of Evil verses Particle Man isn’t fair, but when you add the massive size of U.M. to the mix, suddenly Sam Natas has become the underdog in this contest. Promo: No thanks to Spectre, but hold up a second Darrel, what is Particle Man doing? Crowd: Don’t do it! NO! Promo: Sticking the key back into the machine, Particle Man releases the other lock and down to the arena floor comes Blood Thrilla. Besolve: What is this idiot doing? Promo: Darrel, Particle Man isn’t’ a coward, he’s a superhero and like any true hero, he’s evening up the odds! Natas came into this match thinking Particle Man was afraid of him, but as this match goes on, you realize it’s simply not the case! The crowd is starting to get behind the 98 pound good guy and so am I! Crowd: PM! PM! PM! Promo: The crowd is behind Particle Man and rolling back into the ring, Natas is going to square off against Universe Man! Its power verses power! The immovable object against the irresistible force! Besolve: Natas learned the last time around, not to let his son start a match against these guys because he knows if things go south, he might not get a chance to legally enter the ring. Crowd: [Stomping] Promo: Engaging in a push and pull collar tie, Natas pushes Universe Man against the ropes and oh no, here comes The Purple Haired Freak back down to ringside with a fresh steel chair! Crowd: BOO! Besolve: He’s up on the apron and there’s nothing the referee can do about it, this is a no disqualification match! Spectre: AAARGH! [CRACK!] Crowd: OOOH! Universe Man: GASP! Particle Man: My God! What have you done? Besolve: Spectre from behind and falling forward flat on his face is Sam Natas who appears to be out cold courtesy of another Spectre’s chair shot from hell! Apparently, Spectre was serious about helping the superheroes win this match but why? Promo: Universe Man falls onto Sam Natas and as Blood Thrilla races across the ring, Particle Man connects with the two fisted superman plunge to the chest! Besolve: Natas is in trouble! Promo: Shoulders the canvas! Referee: One… Two… Promo: That’s it, it’s over! Particle Man has defeated Sam Natas and one has to wonder why Spectre decided to help these two guys? Besolve: The Superheroes are good guys and Particle Man is apparently furious with Spectre! [Ding! Ding! Ding!] Stuffher: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the bout by pin fall, Particle Man! Universe Man: We no need cheating to win! Bad Spectre! BAD! [With Universe Man now yelling at Spectre, Particle Man bends over to help a blood crusted Sam Natas to his feet.] Promo: Looking for the approval of the fans, Particle Man raises Sam’s hand into the air and OH! Besolve: Natas knocks his head off with a short arm clothesline! Crowd: BOO! Promo: No Sam! What are you doing?! [Universe Man barrels over the logo to help and Natas drills him with a black hole slam onto the mangled chair! On the outside, Blood Thrilla has quickly set the timekeeper’s table on fire and picking up Particle Man, the evil one goes up to the top turnbuckle.] Promo: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sam don’t do it, there aren’t any protective mats under that table! It’s just concrete! Crowd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Besolve: Thrilla continues to empty the can of lighter fluid onto the table and as the flame rise high into the air; Natas makes the sign of the cross! Promo: Here comes the paaain! [CA-MOTHER-FN-CRACK] [THUD!] [CRUNCH!] Crowd: OOOH!!! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Promo: OH MY GOD! Triple six sit out power bomb off the top ropes and through a flaming table! All hell has broken loose and folks, here comes the medical team sprinting down the ramp. Particle Man is hurt bad, and Lord only knows what kind of damage Natas did to himself. We knew this match had the potential to end in a violent fashion and with a little help from our friendly neighbor Spectre, it just lived up to all it’s hype. Besolve: Spectre has to defend his title tonight and making enemies before his match is not a good strategy. But I can say this, if Spectre wanted to get rid of Particle Man, to ensure the superheroes wouldn’t come down into the ring during his match, well mission accomplished. Promo: Fans we have to take a break, but when we return it’s going to be BACW’s regional championship on the line when Orge Lambart goes face to face, with Newark’s “Badboy” Randy Acorn, we will see you in a few. |